Getting Real

I hugely disappointed myself last night. First of all, I weighed myself. My scale had been hidden away (not on purpose) for ages now, and I finally got around to cleaning under our tub yesterday and it was pulled out. Like a body possessed I found myself standing on it and looking aghast at the number that appeared. I knew I had gained a lot of weight, but I was really surprised. I was at least ten pounds more than I thought I was. It made me super depressed, which led me down a somewhat destructive eating path, really just piling on top of a weekend that already had a theme of overindulgence. I was mad at myself for letting my weight get away from myself so badly again (I haven't weighed this much in three years), but I was also upset because I even weighed myself. I like how I look, and now I'm letting some stupid number ruin that for me. Of course, this does reinforce the fact that health wise I need to really stick to the changes I decided to make at the beginning of the month and truly work harder at eating mindfully.

But it also reinforces that this issue I have with food is truly an addiction, truly something in my head, something that goes beyond not have "willpower." I'm not trying to detract from my own faults in this weight gain, I mean, I did purchase, cook, and eat the food that has caused my weight gain, but I can't tell you how many times I've eaten an outrageous amount of food, rationalizing it the whole time, then, when it's gone, looking back, almost as if I had woken from a dream, unable to believe I had actually done that.

I've spent the last 24 hours feeling so full of self-loathing, and then feeling angry that I'm so full of it. It's like these two parts of me are battling each other, and I don't know who to let win, or if I even have a choice in that. While I'm often thankful I'm not significantly affected by my eating disorder (I mean, I would say I have a "mild" case), and I've not been hospitalized, I haven't had a significant binge in a long time (I'm just chronically overeating, sometimes to the point where I feel chronically ill) and I haven't started eating straight bags of sugar or something (as can happening with binge eating disorders), this all still super, duper sucks. I'm in this weird place where I just don't want to think about food any more, but I can't think about anything else.

I sometimes wonder how much more I could get done and how much better I'd feel if I just stopped eating.

But I know I can't do that, like physically can't. I like eating too much. It elicits too much pleasure for me to not do it.

Ugh. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Arbonne Protein Shake Mix: A Review

Some time ago I had a chance to try both the Arbonne Protein Shake Mix and the Shakeology Protein Shake Mix through some friends. I had tried the Shakeology most recently and really enjoyed it, but when I looked at the price, I was aghast ($130, not including taxes and shipping!). For a long while, I set aside the idea of buying any sort of protein mix, but then, on a whim, I purchased the Arbonne mix and was quite impressed.

First of all, after taxes and shipping, the Arbonne mix is a couple dollars over $80 for thirty servings (the bag of Shakeology has the same number of servings). Obviously still not cheap by any means, but if you're thinking of dropping over $130 for Shakeology anyway, why not choose a less expensive, but comparable (in some regards) option?

So, this is really not a review of Shakeology, or even much of a comparison, because 1) I have extremely limited experience with Shakeology, and 2) I'm absolutely not a nutritionist - I can just read labels and compare numbers, but not get into the nitty gritty. With that said, the Arbonne mix tastes just as good as Shakeology, in my opinion, and keeps me full (and this is without adding anything, just water and the protein mix) from breakfast at around 7:00 until lunch time, around 11:00. That said, when one compares the nutrition facts (a link to Shakeology's here and Arbonne's is shown below), Shakeology is PACKED with vitamins and minerals. That said, if your overall goal is to eat something that is nutritionally sound and low-calorie to replace a meal, which is what I'm doing, or as a snack (both shakes are 160 calories), while also eating a balanced diet with lots of other nutrient dense foods, exactly how much either shake has for vitamins, minerals, and "power foods", really isn't that important. (In my non-nutritionist, purely based on my own opinion and research, opinion. I'm by no means a health professional.)



Okay, seriously, ALL THAT ASIDE, I really, really like the Arbonne mix, and not for price alone. I truly enjoy how it tastes, and as I mentioned above, I don't add anything to it, I just mix my scoops with some ice water and enjoy. There is a slight grittiness to the mix, which I think is pretty common amongst most protein shake powders. The texture is a total nonissue for me and I love the chocolatey flavor. I mean, the smell alone is wonderful. It seriously tastes a bit like chocolate milk to me and is a great little "treat" in the morning. It's also vegan, so if that's your game, then this is a safe option for you. It's not something that drew me to the product, but veganism is ever something I gravitate for this will be one product I won't have to give up.

The other thing I like is that this isn't linked with a fitness program. I'm not buying into some sort of fitness challenge by purchasing this product, but instead looking more at a cleaner, more health conscious lifestyle, which can include any kind of fitness I like, not something that's sponsored by Beach Body (which, I really don't have a problem with - I've purchased and used 21 Day Fix stuff and I think it's just fine, but maybe not my jam). You do (or can, I suppose), purchase it through a similar outfit to Beach Body, where there are essentially sales reps who earn money or credit or whatever (I'm not actually sure what they get) off your purchase. That said, you can just go to the website and make a purchase without involving anyone else, but I do have someone who I consult with and go through who is amazingly passionate and knowledgable about Arbonne products and I'm glad we're in touch.

So, to sum it up, if you are looking for a protein shake that is tasty, keeps you full, and comes from a company that encourages a lifestyle of health and beauty, I whole heartedly recommend Arbonne Chocolate Protein Shake Mix. It is good stuff.

Fat with Benefits

I just want to take a moment to appreciate the fact that there are lots of benefits to having always been a chubby (and now fat) person.

First of all, as a kid, chubby kids are the cutest. We have the most adorable chubby cheeks. We're punchable and cuddly. If you have the added benefit of being short in addition to chunky, you're like this pocket sized troll doll or something. You're just cute.

My baby brother and I about 18 years ago. Me, the adorable chubby kid, Baby Brother, the waifish, slightly less adorable kid. 

As you grow up with a more fat-inclined body, I found that I had one of two options - fight it or embrace it. As fighting it would have involved things like working out, I chose to embrace it. Any teen, any woman, for that matter, is going to have her insecurities, but by and large, I liked how I looked. Being chubby also meant I had boobs (despite coming from less boob inclined DNA) as well as a generous set of hips and behind, which I might not have always appreciated, but others did.

Oh, baby me. 17 and my senior portrait. All that hair!

So, like lots of people, I've gained some weight since high school, having found a comfortable and loving relationship, had two kids, and am now able to afford to buy lots of food. Unlike many others I know or seem to glean from people's blogs and vlogs, the weight I've gained doesn't seem to make me as crazy. Am I thrilled? Nope. Would I love to be the size 12/14 of the beautiful young lady above? Sure. But I don't have this nagging feeling that I'm missing out on something great in being thin again, because I was never thin to begin with. Never.

I have been aware of my body size since I was about 9 or so, when I realized my mum's wedding dress was too small to fit me. I have always been chubby, always will be chubby. I'm ready to really embrace.

An Update

Since school started up again (about a week and a half ago) I've been trying something a little different. I made the decision to try to eat more mindfully and to work out as much as I could find time to, and I also decided to take things day by day, week by week, to not make any goals beyond that, nor any plans. Well, I have to say, so far so good. This past week was a little shakier than the first week, but all in all, I've done much better than I had been doing and am going at a pace of something I can maintain rather than doing my usual full sprint ahead then falling down exhausted with an entire chocolate cake.

So, what exactly does this all look like? Well, first off, I am attempting to plan out my week in terms of when I can go run. I love running. It is my favorite. I love it more and more each time I go and take a stab at it, and when I just look at my week and see when I can do it rather than make a month's worth of planning things go much better. When I can't run I either don't work out or I do a kettle bell routine. Nothing I do, whether running or kettle bell, takes more than 30-40 minutes and, while my heart rate is definitely raised I can be sore the following day, it's not terribly intense.

As far as my nutrition and eating goes, this is a day by day, almost hour by hour piece of work. Prior to making the decision to be more mindful, I was ending my day stuffed to capacity every day, sometimes to the point of wishing I could make myself sick and empty everything out. That has stopped, and I've tried to eat mindfully, eat at our table versus the couch, and choose more nutritious foods. However, I am not counting calories or points. I'm not limiting myself to specific kinds of foods (though I am trying to back off sugar/desserts). And, when things haven't gone precisely as planned, I have made a point to not beat myself up, with mixed results (though, I will say, I feel considerably less guilt than I do when I'm on some sort of official plan).

As things stand now, I feel as though things are going pretty well. I still need to work on eating more mindfully and not using food to help cope with stressful days, but that will be something I will have to work on for the rest of my life, I think. However, this is a good route for me, being gentle with myself. I feel mentally well in this department when I do that, and there have been results, I think. I'm not weighing myself (I haven't yet thrown out our scale, but I think I will soon, if my husband doesn't object too much), but I know a few things are fitting me better than they had a couple of weeks ago. It's not a drastic change, and that's not really what I'm looking for at this point, but I won't say it's not nice.

I'm hoping that as work starts up again in full swing after next week, and my courses start next Tuesday that I'll be able to keep doing what I've been doing and don't let the added stress get me down too much.

Scary Territory

The idea of intuitive/mindful eating (paying conscious attention to what and how you're eating) is so incredibly frightening to me. I'd rather be on a restrictive diet than eat mindfully. I literally hear the words, "But the whole point of eating is to not think about it." That line of thought just conjures itself up naturally, but when I really listen to what I'm telling myself or type it here I realize how bizarre that sounds.

I spend a lot of time trying to avoid thinking about my food when I eat. I watch TV. I read. I work. On the rare occasion we're all at the table together with the TV off or NPR not going I will ask my husband and kids to just talk. I just want to listen. I can't even listen to music when I eat in the car, because it's not stimulating enough to distract me from thinking about my food, so I'll switch to talk radio. I will choose Glenn Beck (I'm a diehard liberal) over thinking about my food.

When I eat, whether for emotional or physical reasons, I want to eat mindlessly. On the face of it, I feel it's because I'm bored. I don't like just sitting there, eating. I want to listen to something, to unfocus, to let my mind go somewhere where I am not. I guess this is why eating is an escape for me. The eating fills me up, physically and emotionally while I also get to escape my reality for a little while. I cannot express the calm and joy and I feel in parking somewhere with food, turning on my radio or pulling open a book, and eating in my car.

Thinking about it now makes me feel that is really strange. Like, really fucked up.

My absolute biggest challenge in life is learning how to cope appropriately with negative emotion. I don't have healthy coping mechanisms for stress and depression, clearly, and I also don't have them when it comes to handling my anger, but that, as an issue, is somewhat separate from this one. I don't eat when I'm angry or anxious, at least when I'm not in the midst of it.

I feel like if I could just find a better way to destress, a better way to make myself feel as calm and good as eating while tuning out does, then I could get a handle on this. And I know that I need to start eating without anything else going on, when possible, but I just don't want to. I'd rather eat plain salad for the rest of my life if it also meant getting watch Real Housewives or read Outlander at the same time.

Running Away

I went for my first run today since...oh, probably spring time. For a while I was a reasonably solid runner, able to run continuously for 4 to 5 miles, but now I'm back on the Couch to 5K plan. There's actually a really cool app (I think it's the official app for the C25K plan) that I used today that I think I'll continue to use in the future. I like it so much more than just using my watch because I only have to listen for the cue from the app to switch from running to walking rather than messing with my watch's timer.

My hope, naturally, is that I'll continue to run. I have plans to run every day for the rest of this week, and I know I can fit in a run next Monday and possibly Tuesday as well. I do worry, though, as school starts back up and then when I'm taking courses again if I'll be able to make time. I have an extremely hard time justifying making the time to run when I have work, school work, or housework to do, and I really can't afford to let anything in these departments slip because they all sort of teeter on the edge of being done (especially housework, and I really can't even consider that something that ever really gets "done").

I did also buy a kettle bell with some Christmas money in hopes that I will do some workouts with that on days I can't run. I also want to do some small yoga/stretching workouts to gain back some flexibility as my joints have been very stiff lately. These are a bit easier to manage in terms of time because I can do them with the kiddos around or before or after work. But running is my favorite way to workout. It's easy, in the sense that you just go and can think about other things and be outside. I never imagined myself as a runner, but every time I do it I become a runner, no matter how slow I am or infrequent my runs are. I'd love to run more, to make it my "thing."

Before the week is out I probably sit down and take a good look at my schedule for next week (back to work!) and see if I can figure out which days I can run. I'm not sure how the consistency will be, but if I look at things from a week to week basis then I'll have better odds and not get so overwhelmed with "doing it right" (that's a big problem of mine).

As I go down this road (ha!), my goals are shifting farther and farther away from a desire to run to lose weight, but to do something I've never done before and to be something I've never been before and to enjoy something I've never enjoyed before. I've wanted to run a 5K for  so many years now and I'd love to make that a goal for the year and follow through with it. Of course, I've made this goal a few times before, even registered for a 5K, and never followed through, so I already feel a bit discouraged. But maybe I won't let that discouragement stop me.

Oh, little baby steps, one step at a time. I'm going to try to not look to far ahead, try to stay optimistic, but not overburden myself.

Beauty of my Body

I'm like almost any other woman out there - I have some serious qualms about my body. There are parts of it and moments in my day where I'm sort of just disgusted with it. I feel shame, sometimes, and I make lots and lots of comparisons. I pass judgements on other women, and I interpret their glances and whispers behind hands as judgements of me. I can sometimes value myself based on if I think other men think I'm attractive, if I think my husband is still being truthful when he says I'm beautiful. I can be incredibly insecure.

But there are also lots of moments where I feel good about my body. These moments tend to occur more often than the other, more negative ones. I've touched on this before, but maybe not so outright, and I'm going to be super upfront right now. I really like my body. I really do. I don't have a problem being naked, seeing myself naked, letting my husband see me naked. My stretch marks and fat and extra skin don't really bother me. Sure, there are moments where I would love to have a magic wand see it all go away, but by and large (Ha. No pun intended.) I enjoy my body. 

It's maybe because I've never been thin. I've always been chubby (and now just fat). It's not as though having children suddenly set me over the edge, so I'm not mourning some "perfect" body I had in my youth that children have now ruined. In fact, I got stretch marks before kids, too. That happened my freshman year of college. And when I wasn't so thin before I started to put on more and more weight (again, college), I really liked my body then, too. Again, I had insecurities, but for the most part I thought I my body was pretty great. 

The problem is now, as a person in her early twenties who's over-weight, I feel like I should be ashamed of my body, that there is something wrong with me for liking what I've got. I'm a smart person who does care about her health, so I shouldn't be satisfied with my figure. I should want better for myself. I should set a better example for my children. I should be healthier. I should be trying to improve things. 

I have a hard time distinguishing between my own thoughts and feelings and what the media says when it comes to all this, but I do know I want to be healthier, if only because I have a lot of shit to do and if I'm not given enough years to do it all in then I'll be pretty upset. But I've also noticed I'm a lot less concerned about how my body looks and what other people think when I spend time exposing myself to truly beautiful plus sized models and advocates on social media. When I see other women who look like me and are proud of themselves and their bodies it reaffirms that it is okay for me to like my body.

What's more, it becomes frustrating when other people don't see my body the way I see it. I'm not looking for universal popularity, but it would be nice to feel like it wasn't just me, my husband, and my toddler who thought I was beautiful. I'm not about to go on a diatribe about the judgement and shaming that goes into being over-weight or obese (or at least not yet), but it does exist and it hurts and can be a constant and consistently causes me to question my validity as a human being (like, literally, I question whether or not I'm worthy of purchasing lipstick or a certain kind of shirt strictly because I'm fat). 

It's a constant conflict, riding that line between loving myself, valuing myself, and battling overwhelming messages sent by society and the media. It's a battle I'm tired of fighting, to be quite honest. I'm really ready to stop caring about what others are thinking. 

Where I'm At

I have been thinking about this blog quite a bit in the last few days. I haven't written in nearly a year and a half, and I feel like that's too bad. Maybe if I had stayed with this I would have worked out my issues. But, then again, maybe not.

My issues with food still persist. I gained back all of the weight I had lost when I was last writing here. It's half pleasurable, half disheartening to see that black and white picture of myself in a purple dress that no longer fits as it should, but still hangs in my closet. I looked great, felt great, but got greedy, first for more weight to come off, and then for the comfort of eating, which I was denying myself.

The new year is coming, and with I always promise myself something, and I always break it. Always. I've even promised myself to not make a promise, and I've broken that promise, too. It's almost as if I can't trust myself any more, because of the constant betrayals. It's very difficult to be in this place where you want to do things differently, but you simply can't find a way to do it, no matter how many ways you try. It's like seeing a big ol' bag of money sitting in front of you, but it's just out of your reach and you can't move from where you're sitting.

This is exactly where I was at a year and a half ago, and it's where I find myself again, only it's worse now because I've lost any sort of traction I've gained (meaning I've gained back all the weight I lost). And I've stopped seeing Dona, which hasn't helped, but can't be helped, due to time constraints (I'm working full time plus taking two grad courses). And every time I try to make an effort, try to curb my eating, or eat mindfully, or even try to make the time to workout, it barely makes it more than a few days.

I can't say I'm determined to do better, to get back on the wagon, but I do want to start taking care of myself in this area again, and do it in earnest. However, I don't want to diet. I don't want to do stupid exercise videos. I don't want to use colorful tupperware containers to portion out all my food. I just want to live my freaking life and not worry about food so much. I just want to eat enough to live, enjoy the food I do have, and take the time to walk or go for a run or use kettle balls (these are the exercises I've found I do enjoy).

This is all I want, I just wish I knew how to get it.

The Tao of Food

On principal, I think whole and "real" foods are fabulous. Having eaten my fair share of meals that fit that label I have to say that they taste better than a lot of the "other" stuff and it makes me feel good to eat like that, too. And let's not forget the benefits that are reaped by our local farmers and the environment when one eats a natural, whole foods diet.

But when does something that seems so good turn into a bad thing?

Well, when you have the kind of personality that doesn't allow for circumstance, accessibility and affordability, and isn't forgiving of moments when things just don't go as intended. When you're inclined to think like this what's left is a person who can't seem to allow herself any good choices, because, she thinks, what does it matter?

This has been one of my constant internal food battles. Right along with fighting that urge to eat up all my emotions, I've gone down to the mat with this need to eat the "right" and most "perfect" foods.

There's a whole mess of things at play here and a lot of it ends up leaving me mired in guilt. It usually begins with reading something. An article, a blog post - something that catches my attention and brings me straight to the food. Some lovely, slim woman touts the wonders of her mostly plant based, liquid diet that is so wonderful and she can't imagine eating any other way. Pictures on a favorite blog are filled with glowing, happy little children followed by beautiful foodscapes populated with homegrown veggies and local meat. An article explains in full detail how every aspect of my current diet is going to slowly and silently send me, my husband, and my two beautiful children to an early grave. I become riddled with guilt and not a small share of shame over what I have in my fridge and cupboards and vow to change it all.

It's almost like the binge eating cycle I know so well - the guilt, the vow to change, then the attempt to change... But that's just it, I never quite get the change. I'm so often stopped dead in my tracks as I try to plan my next steps to wean my family off of all processed foods, refined sugar, and the other food boogie men that are out there. I'm overwhelmed by the cost and the time needed to prepare and plan, by the fact that not everyone in my household will quietly accept such a big change. It's not that I don't want to change, I just don't know how. And when I can't affect that change, I once again find myself drowning in those waves of guilt and shame. I should be able to feed my family better - why can't I get my stuff straightened out? And then, so overwhelmed by my inability to do what I think I must, I simply give up, retreated back into the foods I know everyone will eat, even if they're not ideal, and wait for the guilt to build up enough to catapult me towards trying to (unsuccessfully) make that change again.

So, as I peruse Pinterest or visit my favorite bloggers, enjoying the visual feast before my eyes, I am indulging in a different sort of self-destructive behavior (or, at least it's self-destructive so long as I let it elicit certain emotions from me), but this is one I think I can handle more deftly than I have my urge to binge or overeat.

I am realizing that my food does not have to be "right" or "perfect", it just needs to be balanced and as good as I can manage. I am trying to tell myself that I must take each grocery shopping trip, each meal planned and eaten, each bite taken, as they come. I cannot eat perfectly every time I sit down to do so, whether your reference for perfect comes from how the meal is eaten to where the ingredients came from. I simply must do my best each time and the changes I want and need will come.

One of my favorite sayings right now is by Lao Tzu, the father of Taoism, and it goes like this: "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." This is something that I hold very close to my heart and have started to apply to all those situations where I feel like I must having everything just right right now. In this particular department, I have had to say to myself, "It is better to take one small step forward than none at all, even if it means sometimes taking a step back." I think it falls in line nicely with my new motto, because if I take those small steps towards my goal, at my own, natural pace, I will eventually accomplish everything I need to.

On Feeling Hot

I was always one of those people who said, "Well, when I weigh x pounds I'll feel this way," or "when I'm x pant size, I'll feel this way."

Well, way back in the beginning of the summer I made the extremely arbitrary weight goal of 190 for August. Between my wham-bang weight-loss via the Whole30 (which was really a Whole12ish) and then doing a LOT of running, I lost 25 lbs. between June 1st and sometime in the last two weeks. I now have reached my weight-loss goal for the summer. (Yes, go ahead and do that math - I DID weigh that much, and no, I don't think I looked it either. Aren't I lucky?)

And guess what? I do feel this way! I mean, I didn't think I would. I honestly did not think I would feel significantly better about myself once I hit my goal, because everything I read says, "It's only a number on the scale," or "It's only a number on your clothes." Well, yeah, that's absolutely true, but it doesn't mean seeing a goal met or a being able to buy a size smaller isn't kind of amazing. I can't help but think about the last time I weighed 190. I was a freshman in college. Guys still hit on me (sorry, husband, but we both know it's true). There were clothes in J. Crew and Areopostle (how bad does that date me?) that fit me properly. It's like physically becoming a time capsule!

Of course, with this amount of weight-loss there have been other benefits - I can run and enjoy it (by far my favorite thing that's come of this). I feel great that I made and met a goal without making myself crazy. And I've learned so much about myself as a person this summer while working on my weight and overall health. The logical side of my brain, the part that wants to acknowledge the things that I'm supposed to acknowledge loves this stuff, but my more primal side (you know, the one left over from when I was about 19) is totally dying over the 190 lbs. and this picture:

Smokin', amairite? P.S. The dress is a size 14, a number I haven't seen on my clothes in 8 years.

This is all fantastic. My self-confidence has been given a well deserved boost, as well as my health. I think the way things are going are maintainable and will only improve (I'm in the thick of dealing with emotional/food stuff with Dona right now). Part of me is slightly concerned that I'm going to become complacent and stop running or being active or trying to be less aware of my eating. I try to calm that part of me down by reminding myself that while I lost 12 lbs. through very strict food restriction and some exercise, the other 13 lbs. came off via running and not binging like I used to. In fact, I didn't even really notice losing the other 13. I had stopped weighing myself and then one day, decided to, just for the heck of it, and was really surprised.


I'm having a really good time just loving myself right now. Loving the way I look and the way I am. I have my flaws, and boy do I have a long road to travel, both in weight-loss and in other areas, but I am starting to feel like maybe I can say I'm pretty great and I'm definitely, definitely feeling hot (guess my hubs was on to something when he told me that the other day...).

Practicing Mindful Eating

Lunch and an earnest attempt at mindful eating. I put roughly what I thought I would eat on my plate (which, I know, is way too big, but I need to do dishes), and then divided that into two. I'm taking my mid-meal break now, waiting to see if I'm still hungry after eating my first half. I think I still am. 

And if anyone is wondering what's for lunch, it's egg salad loaded with veggies and leftover corn salad from Saturday's BBQ. Tasty!

The Path to Mindfulness (in Eating)

Among the many things I've been up to in the last week or so (including lots of super sweaty runs - ugh, humidity!), I've also been reading.

Dona, my dietician, suggested I read Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat by Dr. Michelle May. It's basically the epitome of the non- or even anti-diet and I'm sort of loving it. In theory.

You see, the theory is that you let go of your guilt about eating certain foods (because, no food is "bad"), stop restricting yourself, and eat mindfully. The book is mostly targeted at those of us who binge eat or are stuck in the whole cycle of restrictive eating (like dieting) - essentially folks who have a unhealthy relationship with food.

I really like Dr. May's approach, because it's relaxed and it removes the excess emotion from eating. That's not to say food shouldn't be pleasurable, but that shouldn't be the main reason why you're eating. When you eat, it's because you're hungry and to fuel your body, not for any other reason. She also doesn't say you should go hog wild and eat sticks of butter sprinkled with chocolate shavings (ew, I know), but trust your body, as you move out of binge and/or restrictive eating cycles, to choose the correct foods for fuel.

All of this is really great, right? And as I was first reading and becoming familiar with the whole concept of mindful eating and letting go of guilt about foods and moving away from stuffing my emotions down with food (something I have only recently realized I do a lot), I thought to myself, "Huh, this is going to be a breeze!"

Wrong.

The more I read the more I started to panicked (and I still kind of am). I didn't know what a huge crutch binge eating was. I didn't realize how hardwired I am to eat at particular times, even if I'm not hungry. I didn't fully understand how much I value eating "special" things or at "special" events. I never noticed how fast and mindlessly I eat. I mean, I suspected a lot of this and had already talked about some of it (especially the special events and food part) with Dona, but others really revelations really surprised me.

I'm really frightened over giving up emotionally triggered eating and binging. Those have been one of my major sources of comfort for a really long time. When I try to think of other ways to cope with negative emotions or even positive ones, like rewarding myself for a job well done or getting through a rough day, I draw a blank and start to feel like I'm never going to be able to cope with parts of life without food.

I can't imagine how other people might possibly relax or what they might do if they're feeling down, especially about themselves (because that's when I tend to eat the most). And while Dr. May's book makes many suggestions on how to feel "full" without eating, right now, some of them feel kind of hokey, and I can't tell if that's my personal disbelief that people really just go for a walk or garden to feel better about things or if it's genuinely silly.

I really want this to work. I'm totally over counting calories and constantly thinking about "good" vs. "bad" foods. I just want to enjoy food in a healthy and positive way. I feel like this should be so easy, but it's really not, and that's incredibly frustrating. I'm hoping that over time and with practice things will start to become easier.

Going the Distance

I never liked running. I didn't "get it" when I was younger. Unless you were chasing after a ball of some sort, what was the point? But, as I wasn't in the position to be part of a group of people who ran while chasing things and wanted to get in shape, I attempted to take up running.

I did this for the first time several years ago, while still in the midst of college. It didn't stick. I did it again a year or two later, after graduating and getting friendly with the running fiend that was my school's psychologist. I had a lot more success this time around, but then I got pregnant and couldn't maintain a regular running schedule. (And let's clarify, running for me, at that point, was going for maybe five minutes and then walking for two or three.) I didn't run again until this past spring when I decided that, despite my initial and sincere dislike for running as a youth, that this was going to become my thing.

So, while loosely following the Couch to 5k model (running for a few minutes, walking a few more), I built up my endurance and distance. During the last few weeks when I've run, I've started to drop the walking part. My running time has been getting longer and longer and tonight I did not walk at all.

This is HUGE for me. I didn't feel winded, my legs didn't hurt, and I could have kept going, even after TWO MILES. I don't remember the last time I ran a whole mile, never mind two. What's more, I really, really enjoyed it.

I am so incredibly proud of myself.

And while I know this isn't food related (as this blog has been and will likely remain), as I'm trying to make healthier choices in my life, being able to run and like it is a huge check in the win column. Here's to hoping I only go farther!

Body Love

In the midst of this whole "figuring out my food thing and weight-loss goals" there's me. In this body. Right now.

Oh, but goodness, what to do with it. I go through bouts, all in one hour, of loving to loathing. That curve looks so sweet there, but oh, if this spot just beyond it were a little...tighter. Ugh. It's exhausting.

I wish I could just be happy with it all, all the time, no matter what. Is that even possible anymore? Am I allowed to be happy with my body?

That's just it - I don't know if it's okay to love myself the way I am right now, when I'm working to change how I am.
I read a lot about embracing the body you're in, loving yourself unconditionally. And that's swell, but. BUT.

....butt... (it's too big)
But you know someone who likes that an awful lot.

There's just too much. 
But for some, it's never enough. Or never too little. There will always be an unattainable amount. Stop chasing it.

It's okay to feel good about your body. Really. (I tell myself.)
But they said.
Tell them to SHUT. UP.

But - How do you love something you're planning to lose?

Small Victories

We went out to dinner Friday night to celebrate an award our daughter received at school (I'm raising a beautiful and brilliant little girl, by the way).

E., my daughter, has a favorite restaurant and that restaurant, is Applebees. I was kind of pleased to go, because, you know, they have all those lower calorie and Weight Watchers choices. So I perused the selection and was mildly enticed. But damn, I really wanted some freaking french fries.

So, I got a sandwich, with fries. But I also, for the first time ever, despite having read/heard this suggestion a billion, trillion times, got a take out box and put half my sandwich (and eventually have my fries) inside before I had even finished dinner. I also paused mid-meal to see if I was still hungry (I was).

This may not seem like a huge deal, but the fact that I was able to leave a restaurant without feeling like I was going to explode or be sick is pretty amazing. Small victories, right?

What Grandma Ate For Dinner

There's a lot of talk these days, and rightly so, about food deserts, food insecurity, and the obesity epidemic among the poorest Americans. All three are intrinsically connected and it makes me think a lot about generational connections to food. After all, for many, our relationships regarding food stem from our families and communities. One has to wonder - what happens to future generations when their parents, grandparents, and even great-grandparents grow up with food insecurity? I don't have an answer to that question, but I do have an idea.

Both of my parents are children of people who grew up in immigrant communities during the Great Depression, a time and place where food wasn't exactly plentiful. My dad, whom I am like in many ways, and how we eat is no different, was a part of the very first generation in his family where starvation was not a very possible threat. Food insecurity was a huge issue for many generations in my family and, in the grand scheme of time, only stopped very recently. When I consider this, a few odd behaviors I have started to make sense.

• Starvation mentality - If there is food in the house or in front of me that I want, I have a very difficult time telling myself that the same food will be there the next day. I'm inclined to eat it all out of a completely irrational fear that it might be gone the next day. 
• Not wasting food - I despise the waste or loss of food. If something is accidentally left out over night or the dog gets into it, or my daughter, E., simply doesn't finish half of her dinner and then throws away the rest without me noticing, my skin crawls and I feel sick to my stomach. A little over the top? Why, yes, I totally agree. 
• Clean Plate Club - This is something I think a lot of baby boomers and their kids (i.e. my parents and I) are familiar with. It's that whole idea that you eat whatever is on your plate until it is all gone, hungry for it or not. While my parents didn't enforce this rule with me, I ate enough meals with my grandparents to get the message and frequently follow it. 

I can't say that these behaviors stem even a bit from a long history of food insecurity, but one does wonder: How much of our individual attitudes about anything, not just food, stem from generations of similar attitudes, even if it was not directly taught, but instead some how registers in our sub-conscious mind? I have never faced food insecurity, neither has my father or mother, but so many of those who came before us did. So many that I find it so hard to believe that just because there suddenly was food that old behaviors were simply left behind and died out with the first generation that had all the nourishment they needed. What's more, I am not the only member of my family who has these issues, or similar, with food.

And so this brings me back to where I began. I look at my food issues, I look at the hurdles my family members and ancestors had to endure and then I wonder about the generations before us. Even if a person is able to escape the cycle of poverty (something that is becoming ever increasingly difficult), will their sudden easy access to plentiful and nutritious food be all that it takes to break generations' worth of poor food choices? What of their children and grandchildren? 

My own issues make me wonder if by preventing families from having access to proper food sources and allowing Americans to continue to worry about where they will find their next meal, that we will doom future generations, who will come to live beyond the borders of food deserts and will never have to worry about getting three meals on the table, to the same complicated and irrational fears and issues I struggle with now. 

Dinner Time

I was really pretty comfortable, hunger-wise just before dinner the other night. I had been starving, of course, as I finished up my grocery shopping just a half hour before, but just as I was plating my food and getting ready to sit down, I thought to myself, "Geez, I'm really not that hungry right now." Now, granted, they weren't the full portions I would normally have. I cut my burger in half and only took maybe a third of what I would usually have in sides (in this case, baked fries and and cherry tomatoes).

But, I still ate my dinner. I couldn't help it. I really couldn't. For one, the burger was delicious. My husband doesn't cook a ton, but, oh boy, when he does, it's really good. Secondly, as I kept telling myself, I had been hungry, or so I thought, not so long ago, and if I didn't eat now I would likely be hungry later and would eat closer to bed time, which I didn't want to do.

But more than any of that, I couldn't stop myself from eating that delicious dinner, even though I wasn't hungry, because it was dinner time. How on earth could I be expected to sit at the table with my husband and kids while they enjoyed dinner and I just sat there and watched? And it wasn't as if I felt like I'd be missing out. I felt like it would be weird and uncomfortable because it's dinner time and I'm supposed to eat then.

I realize this is completely irrational. Why eat when you're not hungry? It's almost philosophical - it's only dinner time because I say it's dinner time. If I said it wasn't? Would it still be time to eat?

Making the Right Choice

In less than two weeks I've lost nearly twelve pounds. Intense, right? I won't deny being pleased, but I have myself freaked out at the same time.

The reason? I did it while following the Whole30 program. If you're not familiar with the Whole30, it's a thirty day elimination diet where you eat protein (usually meat), vegetables, healthy fats (coconut and olive oils, avocado, nut butters, but not peanut, ghee, etc.), and some fruits and nuts. The idea is that during those thirty days you cleanse your body, start to identify food issues, both emotional and physical, and, hopefully, lose weight.

Within a day or two of starting, the weight simply fell away. This isn't actually unusual, because I don't have an issue with losing weight as long as I'm really careful about how much I eat and am at least a little bit active. But this was crazy - I was losing a pound or more every day or two. I knew this kind of weight-loss couldn't be sustainable, but even after a week and a half, I was still dropping weight like it was hot.

What's more, I felt pretty great, too. I was staying full between meals, so no snacking, I had lots of energy, and couldn't say enough positive things about my experience. Even when I started feeling a little crummy and definitely grumpy, I wasn't too fazed, because it was to be expected, according to the Whole30 timeline. It was simply my body adjusting to all the new changes I was making in my diet. But then everything took a turn for the worse. Five days of heartburn, three of them absolutely excruciating, to the point where all I could do was lay in bed or sleep until it passed. I literally couldn't eat and dropped almost three pounds in two days.

I started to get scared, not because I thought my health was at risk from the heartburn or that this was even an unusual symptom (I googled it, and it's very common to have terrible heartburn during the Whole30 as things "cleanse" or whatever). I was scared because I was afraid to stop the program. I wanted to, desperately, but I was so, so afraid that if I stopped I would regain the weight I had started to lose. I didn't want to fail at this, especially since I had been so gung-ho about it.

In the midst of this, I went to see Dona, my nutritionist, and we started talking about binge-eating disorder and how well I seemed to fit into that particular category. She was fine with my continuing with the Whole30 if that's what I wanted, but her leeriness was obvious, as it had been every since I introduced the idea. After researching binge-eating disorder and how diets (even though I tried really, really hard to not categorize the Whole30 as such, so I could pretend it wouldn't be a problem for me) are a huge component of my (or anyone who binges) eat, repent, repeat cycle. I had initially thought of the Whole30 as "safe" because it wasn't a permanent change, but because I was depriving myself of so much I started to sense this could only end badly.

So, with the two week mark looming ahead, I stopped. I couldn't handle the stress of figuring out what to eat or how to avoid situations where I couldn't enjoy myself because of the food there. I couldn't handle the physical pain I was experiencing (side note: if you have some heartburn troubles, ginger kombucha helps tons!). And I could see something developing within me that could be very bad. The fear to stop doing something, even though I was thoroughly miserable, simply because it might mean I wouldn't lose as much weight or even gain some weight back, was a dangerous place to be, and I really, really didn't want to play that one out to see where it went.

I stopped and I felt immediately better emotionally. Fears went to sleep, though I still (then and now, because it's only been a very short time since I stopped) worry about regaining weight. As I move through this journey, I fully realize now, even if I might still be tempted, that any diet that significantly restricts what I can have is not a good idea for me, at least for now. Those who already have a healthy relationship with food may very well benefit significantly from the Whole30 or something similar. I won't deny the results I saw (weight-loss, improvement in my complexion and seasonal allergies), but the negatives, for me, were too great.

I'm not sure what's going to happen now. My new, short-term goals are to relax about my eating, but watch portions and to continue to go running. I'll be seeing Dona in a couple of weeks and then we can discuss what's next.

A Little Backstory

Let's jump in with something big, shall we?

I have been going to see a nutritionist, Dona, since 2012. I was at my heaviest then, a weight too embarrassing to share publicly. Between January 2012 and May 2012, I lost roughly forty pounds. It wasn't everything I felt I needed to lose, by a long shot, but it was a great start. That May, I got pregnant with my second child and trying to lose weight went out the window. I did try to continue to eat well, but pregnancy sure was a good excuse to overindulge (I thought).

After my son, M., was born, I obviously wanted to lose the baby weight and get back on track with healthier eating. Off and on I would go, through spurts of really trying to watch what I ate, going to see Dona regularly, and just generally being "good" about what I ate. And then I would go through bouts of total food annihilation. No foods (except for maybe veggies) were safe. I would eat and eat and eat. Maybe there would be a "good" day in between, but generally my eating habits sucked. Finally, enough days would go by where I felt like total crap when I went to bed, stomach too full to get comfortable, and the scale tipping just way too far in the wrong direction. Then I would feel very guilty - not too guilty, mind you, because I am excellent at rationalizing the things I do to avoid that very feeling - but still, that nasty turn of the stomach feeling would sneak in. 

Once that unsettling feeling of guilt finally got to me, I would lay awake at night and promise myself and the ethos that the next day would be better. I would call Dona and make an appointment (because, you see, I had already missed two). I would go for that run that I said I would do for the last two weeks. I would make sure I ate better. I. Would. Be. Good.

And then I would be "good". And then I would be "bad" again. And my weight? Well, luckily for me, it stayed roughly the same, until very recently, where in the last two months I gained about five pounds, then lost it and another ten with it (more on that later).

I ask you to notice two things about what I just wrote. First, note my focus on why I wanted to do better with my eating. Weight-loss. Now, I could write a whole post (and maybe I will) on the media and pop culture and women who are bigger than allowed by their standards, but for now I will say that I am like almost any other warm blooded American women in that I see these "standards" in which I am expected to live up and they scare me into thinking I better start laying off the cupcakes and doing that thirty-day ab challenge a bunch of my Facebook friends are doing. And, that's not to say that eating fewer cupcakes or doing crunches is a bad thing, because it's certainly not, but when it's not coming from an emotionally healthy place the results that come will likely soon be erased.

That brings me to the second thing I want you to see - my cycle. My cycle of "binge, repent, repeat" (Dr. Michelle May) is something I've done for as long as I can remember, though I never realized what a problem it was until I was older, just as I was starting to see Dona. I looked at it very distinctly as being "good" versus being "bad". The quotes around these words, by the way, aren't there for some weird, pretentious reason. They're there to highlight that the terms good and bad are very subjective here. I'm not out to actively harm myself when I eat poorly, though I surely am. And, to be honest, when I eat well, the reasons aren't always good ones (like improved health, better performance when I run, or longevity so I can enjoy my family for as long as possible). 

These two things are just parts of the multifaceted puzzle that makes up binge-eating disorder, a disorder with which I've been tentatively identified.

A definition from the Binge Eating Disorder Association: 
Binge eating disorder is characterized by recurring episodes of binge eating, feeling out of control while binging, and feeling guilt and shame afterward.

I can imagine some reading this and thinking, "Geez, why can't the fatty just stop eating? It's her own fault." And there isn't a whole lot I can say to counter that, because, on some level, I agree. But, the truth is, I can't "just stop" binging. It's my source of comfort when everything else around me feels out of control or fills me with anxiety. It's my cigarette, my beer, my opiate. Food is my drug*. There are chemical and emotional strings attached to every bite I take, and while I do not withdraw ownership over many of the food choices I make, both good and bad, each choice is tinged with this unhealthy relationship, which I have not chosen to have.

I'll end this by saying I'm not under any allusions that this is the same as a heroin addiction or will devastate my body and family in the same fashion as something like bulimia or anorexia, but it is a battle, my battle, and one that is long overdue.   



*And in fact, one of the risk factors of having binge-eating disorder is previous addictions.