The Path to Mindfulness (in Eating)

Among the many things I've been up to in the last week or so (including lots of super sweaty runs - ugh, humidity!), I've also been reading.

Dona, my dietician, suggested I read Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat by Dr. Michelle May. It's basically the epitome of the non- or even anti-diet and I'm sort of loving it. In theory.

You see, the theory is that you let go of your guilt about eating certain foods (because, no food is "bad"), stop restricting yourself, and eat mindfully. The book is mostly targeted at those of us who binge eat or are stuck in the whole cycle of restrictive eating (like dieting) - essentially folks who have a unhealthy relationship with food.

I really like Dr. May's approach, because it's relaxed and it removes the excess emotion from eating. That's not to say food shouldn't be pleasurable, but that shouldn't be the main reason why you're eating. When you eat, it's because you're hungry and to fuel your body, not for any other reason. She also doesn't say you should go hog wild and eat sticks of butter sprinkled with chocolate shavings (ew, I know), but trust your body, as you move out of binge and/or restrictive eating cycles, to choose the correct foods for fuel.

All of this is really great, right? And as I was first reading and becoming familiar with the whole concept of mindful eating and letting go of guilt about foods and moving away from stuffing my emotions down with food (something I have only recently realized I do a lot), I thought to myself, "Huh, this is going to be a breeze!"

Wrong.

The more I read the more I started to panicked (and I still kind of am). I didn't know what a huge crutch binge eating was. I didn't realize how hardwired I am to eat at particular times, even if I'm not hungry. I didn't fully understand how much I value eating "special" things or at "special" events. I never noticed how fast and mindlessly I eat. I mean, I suspected a lot of this and had already talked about some of it (especially the special events and food part) with Dona, but others really revelations really surprised me.

I'm really frightened over giving up emotionally triggered eating and binging. Those have been one of my major sources of comfort for a really long time. When I try to think of other ways to cope with negative emotions or even positive ones, like rewarding myself for a job well done or getting through a rough day, I draw a blank and start to feel like I'm never going to be able to cope with parts of life without food.

I can't imagine how other people might possibly relax or what they might do if they're feeling down, especially about themselves (because that's when I tend to eat the most). And while Dr. May's book makes many suggestions on how to feel "full" without eating, right now, some of them feel kind of hokey, and I can't tell if that's my personal disbelief that people really just go for a walk or garden to feel better about things or if it's genuinely silly.

I really want this to work. I'm totally over counting calories and constantly thinking about "good" vs. "bad" foods. I just want to enjoy food in a healthy and positive way. I feel like this should be so easy, but it's really not, and that's incredibly frustrating. I'm hoping that over time and with practice things will start to become easier.