Making the Right Choice

In less than two weeks I've lost nearly twelve pounds. Intense, right? I won't deny being pleased, but I have myself freaked out at the same time.

The reason? I did it while following the Whole30 program. If you're not familiar with the Whole30, it's a thirty day elimination diet where you eat protein (usually meat), vegetables, healthy fats (coconut and olive oils, avocado, nut butters, but not peanut, ghee, etc.), and some fruits and nuts. The idea is that during those thirty days you cleanse your body, start to identify food issues, both emotional and physical, and, hopefully, lose weight.

Within a day or two of starting, the weight simply fell away. This isn't actually unusual, because I don't have an issue with losing weight as long as I'm really careful about how much I eat and am at least a little bit active. But this was crazy - I was losing a pound or more every day or two. I knew this kind of weight-loss couldn't be sustainable, but even after a week and a half, I was still dropping weight like it was hot.

What's more, I felt pretty great, too. I was staying full between meals, so no snacking, I had lots of energy, and couldn't say enough positive things about my experience. Even when I started feeling a little crummy and definitely grumpy, I wasn't too fazed, because it was to be expected, according to the Whole30 timeline. It was simply my body adjusting to all the new changes I was making in my diet. But then everything took a turn for the worse. Five days of heartburn, three of them absolutely excruciating, to the point where all I could do was lay in bed or sleep until it passed. I literally couldn't eat and dropped almost three pounds in two days.

I started to get scared, not because I thought my health was at risk from the heartburn or that this was even an unusual symptom (I googled it, and it's very common to have terrible heartburn during the Whole30 as things "cleanse" or whatever). I was scared because I was afraid to stop the program. I wanted to, desperately, but I was so, so afraid that if I stopped I would regain the weight I had started to lose. I didn't want to fail at this, especially since I had been so gung-ho about it.

In the midst of this, I went to see Dona, my nutritionist, and we started talking about binge-eating disorder and how well I seemed to fit into that particular category. She was fine with my continuing with the Whole30 if that's what I wanted, but her leeriness was obvious, as it had been every since I introduced the idea. After researching binge-eating disorder and how diets (even though I tried really, really hard to not categorize the Whole30 as such, so I could pretend it wouldn't be a problem for me) are a huge component of my (or anyone who binges) eat, repent, repeat cycle. I had initially thought of the Whole30 as "safe" because it wasn't a permanent change, but because I was depriving myself of so much I started to sense this could only end badly.

So, with the two week mark looming ahead, I stopped. I couldn't handle the stress of figuring out what to eat or how to avoid situations where I couldn't enjoy myself because of the food there. I couldn't handle the physical pain I was experiencing (side note: if you have some heartburn troubles, ginger kombucha helps tons!). And I could see something developing within me that could be very bad. The fear to stop doing something, even though I was thoroughly miserable, simply because it might mean I wouldn't lose as much weight or even gain some weight back, was a dangerous place to be, and I really, really didn't want to play that one out to see where it went.

I stopped and I felt immediately better emotionally. Fears went to sleep, though I still (then and now, because it's only been a very short time since I stopped) worry about regaining weight. As I move through this journey, I fully realize now, even if I might still be tempted, that any diet that significantly restricts what I can have is not a good idea for me, at least for now. Those who already have a healthy relationship with food may very well benefit significantly from the Whole30 or something similar. I won't deny the results I saw (weight-loss, improvement in my complexion and seasonal allergies), but the negatives, for me, were too great.

I'm not sure what's going to happen now. My new, short-term goals are to relax about my eating, but watch portions and to continue to go running. I'll be seeing Dona in a couple of weeks and then we can discuss what's next.