Where I'm At

I have been thinking about this blog quite a bit in the last few days. I haven't written in nearly a year and a half, and I feel like that's too bad. Maybe if I had stayed with this I would have worked out my issues. But, then again, maybe not.

My issues with food still persist. I gained back all of the weight I had lost when I was last writing here. It's half pleasurable, half disheartening to see that black and white picture of myself in a purple dress that no longer fits as it should, but still hangs in my closet. I looked great, felt great, but got greedy, first for more weight to come off, and then for the comfort of eating, which I was denying myself.

The new year is coming, and with I always promise myself something, and I always break it. Always. I've even promised myself to not make a promise, and I've broken that promise, too. It's almost as if I can't trust myself any more, because of the constant betrayals. It's very difficult to be in this place where you want to do things differently, but you simply can't find a way to do it, no matter how many ways you try. It's like seeing a big ol' bag of money sitting in front of you, but it's just out of your reach and you can't move from where you're sitting.

This is exactly where I was at a year and a half ago, and it's where I find myself again, only it's worse now because I've lost any sort of traction I've gained (meaning I've gained back all the weight I lost). And I've stopped seeing Dona, which hasn't helped, but can't be helped, due to time constraints (I'm working full time plus taking two grad courses). And every time I try to make an effort, try to curb my eating, or eat mindfully, or even try to make the time to workout, it barely makes it more than a few days.

I can't say I'm determined to do better, to get back on the wagon, but I do want to start taking care of myself in this area again, and do it in earnest. However, I don't want to diet. I don't want to do stupid exercise videos. I don't want to use colorful tupperware containers to portion out all my food. I just want to live my freaking life and not worry about food so much. I just want to eat enough to live, enjoy the food I do have, and take the time to walk or go for a run or use kettle balls (these are the exercises I've found I do enjoy).

This is all I want, I just wish I knew how to get it.

The Tao of Food

On principal, I think whole and "real" foods are fabulous. Having eaten my fair share of meals that fit that label I have to say that they taste better than a lot of the "other" stuff and it makes me feel good to eat like that, too. And let's not forget the benefits that are reaped by our local farmers and the environment when one eats a natural, whole foods diet.

But when does something that seems so good turn into a bad thing?

Well, when you have the kind of personality that doesn't allow for circumstance, accessibility and affordability, and isn't forgiving of moments when things just don't go as intended. When you're inclined to think like this what's left is a person who can't seem to allow herself any good choices, because, she thinks, what does it matter?

This has been one of my constant internal food battles. Right along with fighting that urge to eat up all my emotions, I've gone down to the mat with this need to eat the "right" and most "perfect" foods.

There's a whole mess of things at play here and a lot of it ends up leaving me mired in guilt. It usually begins with reading something. An article, a blog post - something that catches my attention and brings me straight to the food. Some lovely, slim woman touts the wonders of her mostly plant based, liquid diet that is so wonderful and she can't imagine eating any other way. Pictures on a favorite blog are filled with glowing, happy little children followed by beautiful foodscapes populated with homegrown veggies and local meat. An article explains in full detail how every aspect of my current diet is going to slowly and silently send me, my husband, and my two beautiful children to an early grave. I become riddled with guilt and not a small share of shame over what I have in my fridge and cupboards and vow to change it all.

It's almost like the binge eating cycle I know so well - the guilt, the vow to change, then the attempt to change... But that's just it, I never quite get the change. I'm so often stopped dead in my tracks as I try to plan my next steps to wean my family off of all processed foods, refined sugar, and the other food boogie men that are out there. I'm overwhelmed by the cost and the time needed to prepare and plan, by the fact that not everyone in my household will quietly accept such a big change. It's not that I don't want to change, I just don't know how. And when I can't affect that change, I once again find myself drowning in those waves of guilt and shame. I should be able to feed my family better - why can't I get my stuff straightened out? And then, so overwhelmed by my inability to do what I think I must, I simply give up, retreated back into the foods I know everyone will eat, even if they're not ideal, and wait for the guilt to build up enough to catapult me towards trying to (unsuccessfully) make that change again.

So, as I peruse Pinterest or visit my favorite bloggers, enjoying the visual feast before my eyes, I am indulging in a different sort of self-destructive behavior (or, at least it's self-destructive so long as I let it elicit certain emotions from me), but this is one I think I can handle more deftly than I have my urge to binge or overeat.

I am realizing that my food does not have to be "right" or "perfect", it just needs to be balanced and as good as I can manage. I am trying to tell myself that I must take each grocery shopping trip, each meal planned and eaten, each bite taken, as they come. I cannot eat perfectly every time I sit down to do so, whether your reference for perfect comes from how the meal is eaten to where the ingredients came from. I simply must do my best each time and the changes I want and need will come.

One of my favorite sayings right now is by Lao Tzu, the father of Taoism, and it goes like this: "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." This is something that I hold very close to my heart and have started to apply to all those situations where I feel like I must having everything just right right now. In this particular department, I have had to say to myself, "It is better to take one small step forward than none at all, even if it means sometimes taking a step back." I think it falls in line nicely with my new motto, because if I take those small steps towards my goal, at my own, natural pace, I will eventually accomplish everything I need to.

What Grandma Ate For Dinner

There's a lot of talk these days, and rightly so, about food deserts, food insecurity, and the obesity epidemic among the poorest Americans. All three are intrinsically connected and it makes me think a lot about generational connections to food. After all, for many, our relationships regarding food stem from our families and communities. One has to wonder - what happens to future generations when their parents, grandparents, and even great-grandparents grow up with food insecurity? I don't have an answer to that question, but I do have an idea.

Both of my parents are children of people who grew up in immigrant communities during the Great Depression, a time and place where food wasn't exactly plentiful. My dad, whom I am like in many ways, and how we eat is no different, was a part of the very first generation in his family where starvation was not a very possible threat. Food insecurity was a huge issue for many generations in my family and, in the grand scheme of time, only stopped very recently. When I consider this, a few odd behaviors I have started to make sense.

• Starvation mentality - If there is food in the house or in front of me that I want, I have a very difficult time telling myself that the same food will be there the next day. I'm inclined to eat it all out of a completely irrational fear that it might be gone the next day. 
• Not wasting food - I despise the waste or loss of food. If something is accidentally left out over night or the dog gets into it, or my daughter, E., simply doesn't finish half of her dinner and then throws away the rest without me noticing, my skin crawls and I feel sick to my stomach. A little over the top? Why, yes, I totally agree. 
• Clean Plate Club - This is something I think a lot of baby boomers and their kids (i.e. my parents and I) are familiar with. It's that whole idea that you eat whatever is on your plate until it is all gone, hungry for it or not. While my parents didn't enforce this rule with me, I ate enough meals with my grandparents to get the message and frequently follow it. 

I can't say that these behaviors stem even a bit from a long history of food insecurity, but one does wonder: How much of our individual attitudes about anything, not just food, stem from generations of similar attitudes, even if it was not directly taught, but instead some how registers in our sub-conscious mind? I have never faced food insecurity, neither has my father or mother, but so many of those who came before us did. So many that I find it so hard to believe that just because there suddenly was food that old behaviors were simply left behind and died out with the first generation that had all the nourishment they needed. What's more, I am not the only member of my family who has these issues, or similar, with food.

And so this brings me back to where I began. I look at my food issues, I look at the hurdles my family members and ancestors had to endure and then I wonder about the generations before us. Even if a person is able to escape the cycle of poverty (something that is becoming ever increasingly difficult), will their sudden easy access to plentiful and nutritious food be all that it takes to break generations' worth of poor food choices? What of their children and grandchildren? 

My own issues make me wonder if by preventing families from having access to proper food sources and allowing Americans to continue to worry about where they will find their next meal, that we will doom future generations, who will come to live beyond the borders of food deserts and will never have to worry about getting three meals on the table, to the same complicated and irrational fears and issues I struggle with now.