Where I'm At

I have been thinking about this blog quite a bit in the last few days. I haven't written in nearly a year and a half, and I feel like that's too bad. Maybe if I had stayed with this I would have worked out my issues. But, then again, maybe not.

My issues with food still persist. I gained back all of the weight I had lost when I was last writing here. It's half pleasurable, half disheartening to see that black and white picture of myself in a purple dress that no longer fits as it should, but still hangs in my closet. I looked great, felt great, but got greedy, first for more weight to come off, and then for the comfort of eating, which I was denying myself.

The new year is coming, and with I always promise myself something, and I always break it. Always. I've even promised myself to not make a promise, and I've broken that promise, too. It's almost as if I can't trust myself any more, because of the constant betrayals. It's very difficult to be in this place where you want to do things differently, but you simply can't find a way to do it, no matter how many ways you try. It's like seeing a big ol' bag of money sitting in front of you, but it's just out of your reach and you can't move from where you're sitting.

This is exactly where I was at a year and a half ago, and it's where I find myself again, only it's worse now because I've lost any sort of traction I've gained (meaning I've gained back all the weight I lost). And I've stopped seeing Dona, which hasn't helped, but can't be helped, due to time constraints (I'm working full time plus taking two grad courses). And every time I try to make an effort, try to curb my eating, or eat mindfully, or even try to make the time to workout, it barely makes it more than a few days.

I can't say I'm determined to do better, to get back on the wagon, but I do want to start taking care of myself in this area again, and do it in earnest. However, I don't want to diet. I don't want to do stupid exercise videos. I don't want to use colorful tupperware containers to portion out all my food. I just want to live my freaking life and not worry about food so much. I just want to eat enough to live, enjoy the food I do have, and take the time to walk or go for a run or use kettle balls (these are the exercises I've found I do enjoy).

This is all I want, I just wish I knew how to get it.

The Tao of Food

On principal, I think whole and "real" foods are fabulous. Having eaten my fair share of meals that fit that label I have to say that they taste better than a lot of the "other" stuff and it makes me feel good to eat like that, too. And let's not forget the benefits that are reaped by our local farmers and the environment when one eats a natural, whole foods diet.

But when does something that seems so good turn into a bad thing?

Well, when you have the kind of personality that doesn't allow for circumstance, accessibility and affordability, and isn't forgiving of moments when things just don't go as intended. When you're inclined to think like this what's left is a person who can't seem to allow herself any good choices, because, she thinks, what does it matter?

This has been one of my constant internal food battles. Right along with fighting that urge to eat up all my emotions, I've gone down to the mat with this need to eat the "right" and most "perfect" foods.

There's a whole mess of things at play here and a lot of it ends up leaving me mired in guilt. It usually begins with reading something. An article, a blog post - something that catches my attention and brings me straight to the food. Some lovely, slim woman touts the wonders of her mostly plant based, liquid diet that is so wonderful and she can't imagine eating any other way. Pictures on a favorite blog are filled with glowing, happy little children followed by beautiful foodscapes populated with homegrown veggies and local meat. An article explains in full detail how every aspect of my current diet is going to slowly and silently send me, my husband, and my two beautiful children to an early grave. I become riddled with guilt and not a small share of shame over what I have in my fridge and cupboards and vow to change it all.

It's almost like the binge eating cycle I know so well - the guilt, the vow to change, then the attempt to change... But that's just it, I never quite get the change. I'm so often stopped dead in my tracks as I try to plan my next steps to wean my family off of all processed foods, refined sugar, and the other food boogie men that are out there. I'm overwhelmed by the cost and the time needed to prepare and plan, by the fact that not everyone in my household will quietly accept such a big change. It's not that I don't want to change, I just don't know how. And when I can't affect that change, I once again find myself drowning in those waves of guilt and shame. I should be able to feed my family better - why can't I get my stuff straightened out? And then, so overwhelmed by my inability to do what I think I must, I simply give up, retreated back into the foods I know everyone will eat, even if they're not ideal, and wait for the guilt to build up enough to catapult me towards trying to (unsuccessfully) make that change again.

So, as I peruse Pinterest or visit my favorite bloggers, enjoying the visual feast before my eyes, I am indulging in a different sort of self-destructive behavior (or, at least it's self-destructive so long as I let it elicit certain emotions from me), but this is one I think I can handle more deftly than I have my urge to binge or overeat.

I am realizing that my food does not have to be "right" or "perfect", it just needs to be balanced and as good as I can manage. I am trying to tell myself that I must take each grocery shopping trip, each meal planned and eaten, each bite taken, as they come. I cannot eat perfectly every time I sit down to do so, whether your reference for perfect comes from how the meal is eaten to where the ingredients came from. I simply must do my best each time and the changes I want and need will come.

One of my favorite sayings right now is by Lao Tzu, the father of Taoism, and it goes like this: "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." This is something that I hold very close to my heart and have started to apply to all those situations where I feel like I must having everything just right right now. In this particular department, I have had to say to myself, "It is better to take one small step forward than none at all, even if it means sometimes taking a step back." I think it falls in line nicely with my new motto, because if I take those small steps towards my goal, at my own, natural pace, I will eventually accomplish everything I need to.

On Feeling Hot

I was always one of those people who said, "Well, when I weigh x pounds I'll feel this way," or "when I'm x pant size, I'll feel this way."

Well, way back in the beginning of the summer I made the extremely arbitrary weight goal of 190 for August. Between my wham-bang weight-loss via the Whole30 (which was really a Whole12ish) and then doing a LOT of running, I lost 25 lbs. between June 1st and sometime in the last two weeks. I now have reached my weight-loss goal for the summer. (Yes, go ahead and do that math - I DID weigh that much, and no, I don't think I looked it either. Aren't I lucky?)

And guess what? I do feel this way! I mean, I didn't think I would. I honestly did not think I would feel significantly better about myself once I hit my goal, because everything I read says, "It's only a number on the scale," or "It's only a number on your clothes." Well, yeah, that's absolutely true, but it doesn't mean seeing a goal met or a being able to buy a size smaller isn't kind of amazing. I can't help but think about the last time I weighed 190. I was a freshman in college. Guys still hit on me (sorry, husband, but we both know it's true). There were clothes in J. Crew and Areopostle (how bad does that date me?) that fit me properly. It's like physically becoming a time capsule!

Of course, with this amount of weight-loss there have been other benefits - I can run and enjoy it (by far my favorite thing that's come of this). I feel great that I made and met a goal without making myself crazy. And I've learned so much about myself as a person this summer while working on my weight and overall health. The logical side of my brain, the part that wants to acknowledge the things that I'm supposed to acknowledge loves this stuff, but my more primal side (you know, the one left over from when I was about 19) is totally dying over the 190 lbs. and this picture:

Smokin', amairite? P.S. The dress is a size 14, a number I haven't seen on my clothes in 8 years.

This is all fantastic. My self-confidence has been given a well deserved boost, as well as my health. I think the way things are going are maintainable and will only improve (I'm in the thick of dealing with emotional/food stuff with Dona right now). Part of me is slightly concerned that I'm going to become complacent and stop running or being active or trying to be less aware of my eating. I try to calm that part of me down by reminding myself that while I lost 12 lbs. through very strict food restriction and some exercise, the other 13 lbs. came off via running and not binging like I used to. In fact, I didn't even really notice losing the other 13. I had stopped weighing myself and then one day, decided to, just for the heck of it, and was really surprised.


I'm having a really good time just loving myself right now. Loving the way I look and the way I am. I have my flaws, and boy do I have a long road to travel, both in weight-loss and in other areas, but I am starting to feel like maybe I can say I'm pretty great and I'm definitely, definitely feeling hot (guess my hubs was on to something when he told me that the other day...).

Practicing Mindful Eating

Lunch and an earnest attempt at mindful eating. I put roughly what I thought I would eat on my plate (which, I know, is way too big, but I need to do dishes), and then divided that into two. I'm taking my mid-meal break now, waiting to see if I'm still hungry after eating my first half. I think I still am. 

And if anyone is wondering what's for lunch, it's egg salad loaded with veggies and leftover corn salad from Saturday's BBQ. Tasty!

The Path to Mindfulness (in Eating)

Among the many things I've been up to in the last week or so (including lots of super sweaty runs - ugh, humidity!), I've also been reading.

Dona, my dietician, suggested I read Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat by Dr. Michelle May. It's basically the epitome of the non- or even anti-diet and I'm sort of loving it. In theory.

You see, the theory is that you let go of your guilt about eating certain foods (because, no food is "bad"), stop restricting yourself, and eat mindfully. The book is mostly targeted at those of us who binge eat or are stuck in the whole cycle of restrictive eating (like dieting) - essentially folks who have a unhealthy relationship with food.

I really like Dr. May's approach, because it's relaxed and it removes the excess emotion from eating. That's not to say food shouldn't be pleasurable, but that shouldn't be the main reason why you're eating. When you eat, it's because you're hungry and to fuel your body, not for any other reason. She also doesn't say you should go hog wild and eat sticks of butter sprinkled with chocolate shavings (ew, I know), but trust your body, as you move out of binge and/or restrictive eating cycles, to choose the correct foods for fuel.

All of this is really great, right? And as I was first reading and becoming familiar with the whole concept of mindful eating and letting go of guilt about foods and moving away from stuffing my emotions down with food (something I have only recently realized I do a lot), I thought to myself, "Huh, this is going to be a breeze!"

Wrong.

The more I read the more I started to panicked (and I still kind of am). I didn't know what a huge crutch binge eating was. I didn't realize how hardwired I am to eat at particular times, even if I'm not hungry. I didn't fully understand how much I value eating "special" things or at "special" events. I never noticed how fast and mindlessly I eat. I mean, I suspected a lot of this and had already talked about some of it (especially the special events and food part) with Dona, but others really revelations really surprised me.

I'm really frightened over giving up emotionally triggered eating and binging. Those have been one of my major sources of comfort for a really long time. When I try to think of other ways to cope with negative emotions or even positive ones, like rewarding myself for a job well done or getting through a rough day, I draw a blank and start to feel like I'm never going to be able to cope with parts of life without food.

I can't imagine how other people might possibly relax or what they might do if they're feeling down, especially about themselves (because that's when I tend to eat the most). And while Dr. May's book makes many suggestions on how to feel "full" without eating, right now, some of them feel kind of hokey, and I can't tell if that's my personal disbelief that people really just go for a walk or garden to feel better about things or if it's genuinely silly.

I really want this to work. I'm totally over counting calories and constantly thinking about "good" vs. "bad" foods. I just want to enjoy food in a healthy and positive way. I feel like this should be so easy, but it's really not, and that's incredibly frustrating. I'm hoping that over time and with practice things will start to become easier.

Going the Distance

I never liked running. I didn't "get it" when I was younger. Unless you were chasing after a ball of some sort, what was the point? But, as I wasn't in the position to be part of a group of people who ran while chasing things and wanted to get in shape, I attempted to take up running.

I did this for the first time several years ago, while still in the midst of college. It didn't stick. I did it again a year or two later, after graduating and getting friendly with the running fiend that was my school's psychologist. I had a lot more success this time around, but then I got pregnant and couldn't maintain a regular running schedule. (And let's clarify, running for me, at that point, was going for maybe five minutes and then walking for two or three.) I didn't run again until this past spring when I decided that, despite my initial and sincere dislike for running as a youth, that this was going to become my thing.

So, while loosely following the Couch to 5k model (running for a few minutes, walking a few more), I built up my endurance and distance. During the last few weeks when I've run, I've started to drop the walking part. My running time has been getting longer and longer and tonight I did not walk at all.

This is HUGE for me. I didn't feel winded, my legs didn't hurt, and I could have kept going, even after TWO MILES. I don't remember the last time I ran a whole mile, never mind two. What's more, I really, really enjoyed it.

I am so incredibly proud of myself.

And while I know this isn't food related (as this blog has been and will likely remain), as I'm trying to make healthier choices in my life, being able to run and like it is a huge check in the win column. Here's to hoping I only go farther!

Body Love

In the midst of this whole "figuring out my food thing and weight-loss goals" there's me. In this body. Right now.

Oh, but goodness, what to do with it. I go through bouts, all in one hour, of loving to loathing. That curve looks so sweet there, but oh, if this spot just beyond it were a little...tighter. Ugh. It's exhausting.

I wish I could just be happy with it all, all the time, no matter what. Is that even possible anymore? Am I allowed to be happy with my body?

That's just it - I don't know if it's okay to love myself the way I am right now, when I'm working to change how I am.
I read a lot about embracing the body you're in, loving yourself unconditionally. And that's swell, but. BUT.

....butt... (it's too big)
But you know someone who likes that an awful lot.

There's just too much. 
But for some, it's never enough. Or never too little. There will always be an unattainable amount. Stop chasing it.

It's okay to feel good about your body. Really. (I tell myself.)
But they said.
Tell them to SHUT. UP.

But - How do you love something you're planning to lose?