Running Away

I went for my first run today since...oh, probably spring time. For a while I was a reasonably solid runner, able to run continuously for 4 to 5 miles, but now I'm back on the Couch to 5K plan. There's actually a really cool app (I think it's the official app for the C25K plan) that I used today that I think I'll continue to use in the future. I like it so much more than just using my watch because I only have to listen for the cue from the app to switch from running to walking rather than messing with my watch's timer.

My hope, naturally, is that I'll continue to run. I have plans to run every day for the rest of this week, and I know I can fit in a run next Monday and possibly Tuesday as well. I do worry, though, as school starts back up and then when I'm taking courses again if I'll be able to make time. I have an extremely hard time justifying making the time to run when I have work, school work, or housework to do, and I really can't afford to let anything in these departments slip because they all sort of teeter on the edge of being done (especially housework, and I really can't even consider that something that ever really gets "done").

I did also buy a kettle bell with some Christmas money in hopes that I will do some workouts with that on days I can't run. I also want to do some small yoga/stretching workouts to gain back some flexibility as my joints have been very stiff lately. These are a bit easier to manage in terms of time because I can do them with the kiddos around or before or after work. But running is my favorite way to workout. It's easy, in the sense that you just go and can think about other things and be outside. I never imagined myself as a runner, but every time I do it I become a runner, no matter how slow I am or infrequent my runs are. I'd love to run more, to make it my "thing."

Before the week is out I probably sit down and take a good look at my schedule for next week (back to work!) and see if I can figure out which days I can run. I'm not sure how the consistency will be, but if I look at things from a week to week basis then I'll have better odds and not get so overwhelmed with "doing it right" (that's a big problem of mine).

As I go down this road (ha!), my goals are shifting farther and farther away from a desire to run to lose weight, but to do something I've never done before and to be something I've never been before and to enjoy something I've never enjoyed before. I've wanted to run a 5K for  so many years now and I'd love to make that a goal for the year and follow through with it. Of course, I've made this goal a few times before, even registered for a 5K, and never followed through, so I already feel a bit discouraged. But maybe I won't let that discouragement stop me.

Oh, little baby steps, one step at a time. I'm going to try to not look to far ahead, try to stay optimistic, but not overburden myself.

Beauty of my Body

I'm like almost any other woman out there - I have some serious qualms about my body. There are parts of it and moments in my day where I'm sort of just disgusted with it. I feel shame, sometimes, and I make lots and lots of comparisons. I pass judgements on other women, and I interpret their glances and whispers behind hands as judgements of me. I can sometimes value myself based on if I think other men think I'm attractive, if I think my husband is still being truthful when he says I'm beautiful. I can be incredibly insecure.

But there are also lots of moments where I feel good about my body. These moments tend to occur more often than the other, more negative ones. I've touched on this before, but maybe not so outright, and I'm going to be super upfront right now. I really like my body. I really do. I don't have a problem being naked, seeing myself naked, letting my husband see me naked. My stretch marks and fat and extra skin don't really bother me. Sure, there are moments where I would love to have a magic wand see it all go away, but by and large (Ha. No pun intended.) I enjoy my body. 

It's maybe because I've never been thin. I've always been chubby (and now just fat). It's not as though having children suddenly set me over the edge, so I'm not mourning some "perfect" body I had in my youth that children have now ruined. In fact, I got stretch marks before kids, too. That happened my freshman year of college. And when I wasn't so thin before I started to put on more and more weight (again, college), I really liked my body then, too. Again, I had insecurities, but for the most part I thought I my body was pretty great. 

The problem is now, as a person in her early twenties who's over-weight, I feel like I should be ashamed of my body, that there is something wrong with me for liking what I've got. I'm a smart person who does care about her health, so I shouldn't be satisfied with my figure. I should want better for myself. I should set a better example for my children. I should be healthier. I should be trying to improve things. 

I have a hard time distinguishing between my own thoughts and feelings and what the media says when it comes to all this, but I do know I want to be healthier, if only because I have a lot of shit to do and if I'm not given enough years to do it all in then I'll be pretty upset. But I've also noticed I'm a lot less concerned about how my body looks and what other people think when I spend time exposing myself to truly beautiful plus sized models and advocates on social media. When I see other women who look like me and are proud of themselves and their bodies it reaffirms that it is okay for me to like my body.

What's more, it becomes frustrating when other people don't see my body the way I see it. I'm not looking for universal popularity, but it would be nice to feel like it wasn't just me, my husband, and my toddler who thought I was beautiful. I'm not about to go on a diatribe about the judgement and shaming that goes into being over-weight or obese (or at least not yet), but it does exist and it hurts and can be a constant and consistently causes me to question my validity as a human being (like, literally, I question whether or not I'm worthy of purchasing lipstick or a certain kind of shirt strictly because I'm fat). 

It's a constant conflict, riding that line between loving myself, valuing myself, and battling overwhelming messages sent by society and the media. It's a battle I'm tired of fighting, to be quite honest. I'm really ready to stop caring about what others are thinking. 

Where I'm At

I have been thinking about this blog quite a bit in the last few days. I haven't written in nearly a year and a half, and I feel like that's too bad. Maybe if I had stayed with this I would have worked out my issues. But, then again, maybe not.

My issues with food still persist. I gained back all of the weight I had lost when I was last writing here. It's half pleasurable, half disheartening to see that black and white picture of myself in a purple dress that no longer fits as it should, but still hangs in my closet. I looked great, felt great, but got greedy, first for more weight to come off, and then for the comfort of eating, which I was denying myself.

The new year is coming, and with I always promise myself something, and I always break it. Always. I've even promised myself to not make a promise, and I've broken that promise, too. It's almost as if I can't trust myself any more, because of the constant betrayals. It's very difficult to be in this place where you want to do things differently, but you simply can't find a way to do it, no matter how many ways you try. It's like seeing a big ol' bag of money sitting in front of you, but it's just out of your reach and you can't move from where you're sitting.

This is exactly where I was at a year and a half ago, and it's where I find myself again, only it's worse now because I've lost any sort of traction I've gained (meaning I've gained back all the weight I lost). And I've stopped seeing Dona, which hasn't helped, but can't be helped, due to time constraints (I'm working full time plus taking two grad courses). And every time I try to make an effort, try to curb my eating, or eat mindfully, or even try to make the time to workout, it barely makes it more than a few days.

I can't say I'm determined to do better, to get back on the wagon, but I do want to start taking care of myself in this area again, and do it in earnest. However, I don't want to diet. I don't want to do stupid exercise videos. I don't want to use colorful tupperware containers to portion out all my food. I just want to live my freaking life and not worry about food so much. I just want to eat enough to live, enjoy the food I do have, and take the time to walk or go for a run or use kettle balls (these are the exercises I've found I do enjoy).

This is all I want, I just wish I knew how to get it.

The Tao of Food

On principal, I think whole and "real" foods are fabulous. Having eaten my fair share of meals that fit that label I have to say that they taste better than a lot of the "other" stuff and it makes me feel good to eat like that, too. And let's not forget the benefits that are reaped by our local farmers and the environment when one eats a natural, whole foods diet.

But when does something that seems so good turn into a bad thing?

Well, when you have the kind of personality that doesn't allow for circumstance, accessibility and affordability, and isn't forgiving of moments when things just don't go as intended. When you're inclined to think like this what's left is a person who can't seem to allow herself any good choices, because, she thinks, what does it matter?

This has been one of my constant internal food battles. Right along with fighting that urge to eat up all my emotions, I've gone down to the mat with this need to eat the "right" and most "perfect" foods.

There's a whole mess of things at play here and a lot of it ends up leaving me mired in guilt. It usually begins with reading something. An article, a blog post - something that catches my attention and brings me straight to the food. Some lovely, slim woman touts the wonders of her mostly plant based, liquid diet that is so wonderful and she can't imagine eating any other way. Pictures on a favorite blog are filled with glowing, happy little children followed by beautiful foodscapes populated with homegrown veggies and local meat. An article explains in full detail how every aspect of my current diet is going to slowly and silently send me, my husband, and my two beautiful children to an early grave. I become riddled with guilt and not a small share of shame over what I have in my fridge and cupboards and vow to change it all.

It's almost like the binge eating cycle I know so well - the guilt, the vow to change, then the attempt to change... But that's just it, I never quite get the change. I'm so often stopped dead in my tracks as I try to plan my next steps to wean my family off of all processed foods, refined sugar, and the other food boogie men that are out there. I'm overwhelmed by the cost and the time needed to prepare and plan, by the fact that not everyone in my household will quietly accept such a big change. It's not that I don't want to change, I just don't know how. And when I can't affect that change, I once again find myself drowning in those waves of guilt and shame. I should be able to feed my family better - why can't I get my stuff straightened out? And then, so overwhelmed by my inability to do what I think I must, I simply give up, retreated back into the foods I know everyone will eat, even if they're not ideal, and wait for the guilt to build up enough to catapult me towards trying to (unsuccessfully) make that change again.

So, as I peruse Pinterest or visit my favorite bloggers, enjoying the visual feast before my eyes, I am indulging in a different sort of self-destructive behavior (or, at least it's self-destructive so long as I let it elicit certain emotions from me), but this is one I think I can handle more deftly than I have my urge to binge or overeat.

I am realizing that my food does not have to be "right" or "perfect", it just needs to be balanced and as good as I can manage. I am trying to tell myself that I must take each grocery shopping trip, each meal planned and eaten, each bite taken, as they come. I cannot eat perfectly every time I sit down to do so, whether your reference for perfect comes from how the meal is eaten to where the ingredients came from. I simply must do my best each time and the changes I want and need will come.

One of my favorite sayings right now is by Lao Tzu, the father of Taoism, and it goes like this: "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." This is something that I hold very close to my heart and have started to apply to all those situations where I feel like I must having everything just right right now. In this particular department, I have had to say to myself, "It is better to take one small step forward than none at all, even if it means sometimes taking a step back." I think it falls in line nicely with my new motto, because if I take those small steps towards my goal, at my own, natural pace, I will eventually accomplish everything I need to.

On Feeling Hot

I was always one of those people who said, "Well, when I weigh x pounds I'll feel this way," or "when I'm x pant size, I'll feel this way."

Well, way back in the beginning of the summer I made the extremely arbitrary weight goal of 190 for August. Between my wham-bang weight-loss via the Whole30 (which was really a Whole12ish) and then doing a LOT of running, I lost 25 lbs. between June 1st and sometime in the last two weeks. I now have reached my weight-loss goal for the summer. (Yes, go ahead and do that math - I DID weigh that much, and no, I don't think I looked it either. Aren't I lucky?)

And guess what? I do feel this way! I mean, I didn't think I would. I honestly did not think I would feel significantly better about myself once I hit my goal, because everything I read says, "It's only a number on the scale," or "It's only a number on your clothes." Well, yeah, that's absolutely true, but it doesn't mean seeing a goal met or a being able to buy a size smaller isn't kind of amazing. I can't help but think about the last time I weighed 190. I was a freshman in college. Guys still hit on me (sorry, husband, but we both know it's true). There were clothes in J. Crew and Areopostle (how bad does that date me?) that fit me properly. It's like physically becoming a time capsule!

Of course, with this amount of weight-loss there have been other benefits - I can run and enjoy it (by far my favorite thing that's come of this). I feel great that I made and met a goal without making myself crazy. And I've learned so much about myself as a person this summer while working on my weight and overall health. The logical side of my brain, the part that wants to acknowledge the things that I'm supposed to acknowledge loves this stuff, but my more primal side (you know, the one left over from when I was about 19) is totally dying over the 190 lbs. and this picture:

Smokin', amairite? P.S. The dress is a size 14, a number I haven't seen on my clothes in 8 years.

This is all fantastic. My self-confidence has been given a well deserved boost, as well as my health. I think the way things are going are maintainable and will only improve (I'm in the thick of dealing with emotional/food stuff with Dona right now). Part of me is slightly concerned that I'm going to become complacent and stop running or being active or trying to be less aware of my eating. I try to calm that part of me down by reminding myself that while I lost 12 lbs. through very strict food restriction and some exercise, the other 13 lbs. came off via running and not binging like I used to. In fact, I didn't even really notice losing the other 13. I had stopped weighing myself and then one day, decided to, just for the heck of it, and was really surprised.


I'm having a really good time just loving myself right now. Loving the way I look and the way I am. I have my flaws, and boy do I have a long road to travel, both in weight-loss and in other areas, but I am starting to feel like maybe I can say I'm pretty great and I'm definitely, definitely feeling hot (guess my hubs was on to something when he told me that the other day...).

Practicing Mindful Eating

Lunch and an earnest attempt at mindful eating. I put roughly what I thought I would eat on my plate (which, I know, is way too big, but I need to do dishes), and then divided that into two. I'm taking my mid-meal break now, waiting to see if I'm still hungry after eating my first half. I think I still am. 

And if anyone is wondering what's for lunch, it's egg salad loaded with veggies and leftover corn salad from Saturday's BBQ. Tasty!

The Path to Mindfulness (in Eating)

Among the many things I've been up to in the last week or so (including lots of super sweaty runs - ugh, humidity!), I've also been reading.

Dona, my dietician, suggested I read Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat by Dr. Michelle May. It's basically the epitome of the non- or even anti-diet and I'm sort of loving it. In theory.

You see, the theory is that you let go of your guilt about eating certain foods (because, no food is "bad"), stop restricting yourself, and eat mindfully. The book is mostly targeted at those of us who binge eat or are stuck in the whole cycle of restrictive eating (like dieting) - essentially folks who have a unhealthy relationship with food.

I really like Dr. May's approach, because it's relaxed and it removes the excess emotion from eating. That's not to say food shouldn't be pleasurable, but that shouldn't be the main reason why you're eating. When you eat, it's because you're hungry and to fuel your body, not for any other reason. She also doesn't say you should go hog wild and eat sticks of butter sprinkled with chocolate shavings (ew, I know), but trust your body, as you move out of binge and/or restrictive eating cycles, to choose the correct foods for fuel.

All of this is really great, right? And as I was first reading and becoming familiar with the whole concept of mindful eating and letting go of guilt about foods and moving away from stuffing my emotions down with food (something I have only recently realized I do a lot), I thought to myself, "Huh, this is going to be a breeze!"

Wrong.

The more I read the more I started to panicked (and I still kind of am). I didn't know what a huge crutch binge eating was. I didn't realize how hardwired I am to eat at particular times, even if I'm not hungry. I didn't fully understand how much I value eating "special" things or at "special" events. I never noticed how fast and mindlessly I eat. I mean, I suspected a lot of this and had already talked about some of it (especially the special events and food part) with Dona, but others really revelations really surprised me.

I'm really frightened over giving up emotionally triggered eating and binging. Those have been one of my major sources of comfort for a really long time. When I try to think of other ways to cope with negative emotions or even positive ones, like rewarding myself for a job well done or getting through a rough day, I draw a blank and start to feel like I'm never going to be able to cope with parts of life without food.

I can't imagine how other people might possibly relax or what they might do if they're feeling down, especially about themselves (because that's when I tend to eat the most). And while Dr. May's book makes many suggestions on how to feel "full" without eating, right now, some of them feel kind of hokey, and I can't tell if that's my personal disbelief that people really just go for a walk or garden to feel better about things or if it's genuinely silly.

I really want this to work. I'm totally over counting calories and constantly thinking about "good" vs. "bad" foods. I just want to enjoy food in a healthy and positive way. I feel like this should be so easy, but it's really not, and that's incredibly frustrating. I'm hoping that over time and with practice things will start to become easier.