Getting Real

I hugely disappointed myself last night. First of all, I weighed myself. My scale had been hidden away (not on purpose) for ages now, and I finally got around to cleaning under our tub yesterday and it was pulled out. Like a body possessed I found myself standing on it and looking aghast at the number that appeared. I knew I had gained a lot of weight, but I was really surprised. I was at least ten pounds more than I thought I was. It made me super depressed, which led me down a somewhat destructive eating path, really just piling on top of a weekend that already had a theme of overindulgence. I was mad at myself for letting my weight get away from myself so badly again (I haven't weighed this much in three years), but I was also upset because I even weighed myself. I like how I look, and now I'm letting some stupid number ruin that for me. Of course, this does reinforce the fact that health wise I need to really stick to the changes I decided to make at the beginning of the month and truly work harder at eating mindfully.

But it also reinforces that this issue I have with food is truly an addiction, truly something in my head, something that goes beyond not have "willpower." I'm not trying to detract from my own faults in this weight gain, I mean, I did purchase, cook, and eat the food that has caused my weight gain, but I can't tell you how many times I've eaten an outrageous amount of food, rationalizing it the whole time, then, when it's gone, looking back, almost as if I had woken from a dream, unable to believe I had actually done that.

I've spent the last 24 hours feeling so full of self-loathing, and then feeling angry that I'm so full of it. It's like these two parts of me are battling each other, and I don't know who to let win, or if I even have a choice in that. While I'm often thankful I'm not significantly affected by my eating disorder (I mean, I would say I have a "mild" case), and I've not been hospitalized, I haven't had a significant binge in a long time (I'm just chronically overeating, sometimes to the point where I feel chronically ill) and I haven't started eating straight bags of sugar or something (as can happening with binge eating disorders), this all still super, duper sucks. I'm in this weird place where I just don't want to think about food any more, but I can't think about anything else.

I sometimes wonder how much more I could get done and how much better I'd feel if I just stopped eating.

But I know I can't do that, like physically can't. I like eating too much. It elicits too much pleasure for me to not do it.

Ugh. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Arbonne Protein Shake Mix: A Review

Some time ago I had a chance to try both the Arbonne Protein Shake Mix and the Shakeology Protein Shake Mix through some friends. I had tried the Shakeology most recently and really enjoyed it, but when I looked at the price, I was aghast ($130, not including taxes and shipping!). For a long while, I set aside the idea of buying any sort of protein mix, but then, on a whim, I purchased the Arbonne mix and was quite impressed.

First of all, after taxes and shipping, the Arbonne mix is a couple dollars over $80 for thirty servings (the bag of Shakeology has the same number of servings). Obviously still not cheap by any means, but if you're thinking of dropping over $130 for Shakeology anyway, why not choose a less expensive, but comparable (in some regards) option?

So, this is really not a review of Shakeology, or even much of a comparison, because 1) I have extremely limited experience with Shakeology, and 2) I'm absolutely not a nutritionist - I can just read labels and compare numbers, but not get into the nitty gritty. With that said, the Arbonne mix tastes just as good as Shakeology, in my opinion, and keeps me full (and this is without adding anything, just water and the protein mix) from breakfast at around 7:00 until lunch time, around 11:00. That said, when one compares the nutrition facts (a link to Shakeology's here and Arbonne's is shown below), Shakeology is PACKED with vitamins and minerals. That said, if your overall goal is to eat something that is nutritionally sound and low-calorie to replace a meal, which is what I'm doing, or as a snack (both shakes are 160 calories), while also eating a balanced diet with lots of other nutrient dense foods, exactly how much either shake has for vitamins, minerals, and "power foods", really isn't that important. (In my non-nutritionist, purely based on my own opinion and research, opinion. I'm by no means a health professional.)



Okay, seriously, ALL THAT ASIDE, I really, really like the Arbonne mix, and not for price alone. I truly enjoy how it tastes, and as I mentioned above, I don't add anything to it, I just mix my scoops with some ice water and enjoy. There is a slight grittiness to the mix, which I think is pretty common amongst most protein shake powders. The texture is a total nonissue for me and I love the chocolatey flavor. I mean, the smell alone is wonderful. It seriously tastes a bit like chocolate milk to me and is a great little "treat" in the morning. It's also vegan, so if that's your game, then this is a safe option for you. It's not something that drew me to the product, but veganism is ever something I gravitate for this will be one product I won't have to give up.

The other thing I like is that this isn't linked with a fitness program. I'm not buying into some sort of fitness challenge by purchasing this product, but instead looking more at a cleaner, more health conscious lifestyle, which can include any kind of fitness I like, not something that's sponsored by Beach Body (which, I really don't have a problem with - I've purchased and used 21 Day Fix stuff and I think it's just fine, but maybe not my jam). You do (or can, I suppose), purchase it through a similar outfit to Beach Body, where there are essentially sales reps who earn money or credit or whatever (I'm not actually sure what they get) off your purchase. That said, you can just go to the website and make a purchase without involving anyone else, but I do have someone who I consult with and go through who is amazingly passionate and knowledgable about Arbonne products and I'm glad we're in touch.

So, to sum it up, if you are looking for a protein shake that is tasty, keeps you full, and comes from a company that encourages a lifestyle of health and beauty, I whole heartedly recommend Arbonne Chocolate Protein Shake Mix. It is good stuff.

Fat with Benefits

I just want to take a moment to appreciate the fact that there are lots of benefits to having always been a chubby (and now fat) person.

First of all, as a kid, chubby kids are the cutest. We have the most adorable chubby cheeks. We're punchable and cuddly. If you have the added benefit of being short in addition to chunky, you're like this pocket sized troll doll or something. You're just cute.

My baby brother and I about 18 years ago. Me, the adorable chubby kid, Baby Brother, the waifish, slightly less adorable kid. 

As you grow up with a more fat-inclined body, I found that I had one of two options - fight it or embrace it. As fighting it would have involved things like working out, I chose to embrace it. Any teen, any woman, for that matter, is going to have her insecurities, but by and large, I liked how I looked. Being chubby also meant I had boobs (despite coming from less boob inclined DNA) as well as a generous set of hips and behind, which I might not have always appreciated, but others did.

Oh, baby me. 17 and my senior portrait. All that hair!

So, like lots of people, I've gained some weight since high school, having found a comfortable and loving relationship, had two kids, and am now able to afford to buy lots of food. Unlike many others I know or seem to glean from people's blogs and vlogs, the weight I've gained doesn't seem to make me as crazy. Am I thrilled? Nope. Would I love to be the size 12/14 of the beautiful young lady above? Sure. But I don't have this nagging feeling that I'm missing out on something great in being thin again, because I was never thin to begin with. Never.

I have been aware of my body size since I was about 9 or so, when I realized my mum's wedding dress was too small to fit me. I have always been chubby, always will be chubby. I'm ready to really embrace.

An Update

Since school started up again (about a week and a half ago) I've been trying something a little different. I made the decision to try to eat more mindfully and to work out as much as I could find time to, and I also decided to take things day by day, week by week, to not make any goals beyond that, nor any plans. Well, I have to say, so far so good. This past week was a little shakier than the first week, but all in all, I've done much better than I had been doing and am going at a pace of something I can maintain rather than doing my usual full sprint ahead then falling down exhausted with an entire chocolate cake.

So, what exactly does this all look like? Well, first off, I am attempting to plan out my week in terms of when I can go run. I love running. It is my favorite. I love it more and more each time I go and take a stab at it, and when I just look at my week and see when I can do it rather than make a month's worth of planning things go much better. When I can't run I either don't work out or I do a kettle bell routine. Nothing I do, whether running or kettle bell, takes more than 30-40 minutes and, while my heart rate is definitely raised I can be sore the following day, it's not terribly intense.

As far as my nutrition and eating goes, this is a day by day, almost hour by hour piece of work. Prior to making the decision to be more mindful, I was ending my day stuffed to capacity every day, sometimes to the point of wishing I could make myself sick and empty everything out. That has stopped, and I've tried to eat mindfully, eat at our table versus the couch, and choose more nutritious foods. However, I am not counting calories or points. I'm not limiting myself to specific kinds of foods (though I am trying to back off sugar/desserts). And, when things haven't gone precisely as planned, I have made a point to not beat myself up, with mixed results (though, I will say, I feel considerably less guilt than I do when I'm on some sort of official plan).

As things stand now, I feel as though things are going pretty well. I still need to work on eating more mindfully and not using food to help cope with stressful days, but that will be something I will have to work on for the rest of my life, I think. However, this is a good route for me, being gentle with myself. I feel mentally well in this department when I do that, and there have been results, I think. I'm not weighing myself (I haven't yet thrown out our scale, but I think I will soon, if my husband doesn't object too much), but I know a few things are fitting me better than they had a couple of weeks ago. It's not a drastic change, and that's not really what I'm looking for at this point, but I won't say it's not nice.

I'm hoping that as work starts up again in full swing after next week, and my courses start next Tuesday that I'll be able to keep doing what I've been doing and don't let the added stress get me down too much.

Scary Territory

The idea of intuitive/mindful eating (paying conscious attention to what and how you're eating) is so incredibly frightening to me. I'd rather be on a restrictive diet than eat mindfully. I literally hear the words, "But the whole point of eating is to not think about it." That line of thought just conjures itself up naturally, but when I really listen to what I'm telling myself or type it here I realize how bizarre that sounds.

I spend a lot of time trying to avoid thinking about my food when I eat. I watch TV. I read. I work. On the rare occasion we're all at the table together with the TV off or NPR not going I will ask my husband and kids to just talk. I just want to listen. I can't even listen to music when I eat in the car, because it's not stimulating enough to distract me from thinking about my food, so I'll switch to talk radio. I will choose Glenn Beck (I'm a diehard liberal) over thinking about my food.

When I eat, whether for emotional or physical reasons, I want to eat mindlessly. On the face of it, I feel it's because I'm bored. I don't like just sitting there, eating. I want to listen to something, to unfocus, to let my mind go somewhere where I am not. I guess this is why eating is an escape for me. The eating fills me up, physically and emotionally while I also get to escape my reality for a little while. I cannot express the calm and joy and I feel in parking somewhere with food, turning on my radio or pulling open a book, and eating in my car.

Thinking about it now makes me feel that is really strange. Like, really fucked up.

My absolute biggest challenge in life is learning how to cope appropriately with negative emotion. I don't have healthy coping mechanisms for stress and depression, clearly, and I also don't have them when it comes to handling my anger, but that, as an issue, is somewhat separate from this one. I don't eat when I'm angry or anxious, at least when I'm not in the midst of it.

I feel like if I could just find a better way to destress, a better way to make myself feel as calm and good as eating while tuning out does, then I could get a handle on this. And I know that I need to start eating without anything else going on, when possible, but I just don't want to. I'd rather eat plain salad for the rest of my life if it also meant getting watch Real Housewives or read Outlander at the same time.

Running Away

I went for my first run today since...oh, probably spring time. For a while I was a reasonably solid runner, able to run continuously for 4 to 5 miles, but now I'm back on the Couch to 5K plan. There's actually a really cool app (I think it's the official app for the C25K plan) that I used today that I think I'll continue to use in the future. I like it so much more than just using my watch because I only have to listen for the cue from the app to switch from running to walking rather than messing with my watch's timer.

My hope, naturally, is that I'll continue to run. I have plans to run every day for the rest of this week, and I know I can fit in a run next Monday and possibly Tuesday as well. I do worry, though, as school starts back up and then when I'm taking courses again if I'll be able to make time. I have an extremely hard time justifying making the time to run when I have work, school work, or housework to do, and I really can't afford to let anything in these departments slip because they all sort of teeter on the edge of being done (especially housework, and I really can't even consider that something that ever really gets "done").

I did also buy a kettle bell with some Christmas money in hopes that I will do some workouts with that on days I can't run. I also want to do some small yoga/stretching workouts to gain back some flexibility as my joints have been very stiff lately. These are a bit easier to manage in terms of time because I can do them with the kiddos around or before or after work. But running is my favorite way to workout. It's easy, in the sense that you just go and can think about other things and be outside. I never imagined myself as a runner, but every time I do it I become a runner, no matter how slow I am or infrequent my runs are. I'd love to run more, to make it my "thing."

Before the week is out I probably sit down and take a good look at my schedule for next week (back to work!) and see if I can figure out which days I can run. I'm not sure how the consistency will be, but if I look at things from a week to week basis then I'll have better odds and not get so overwhelmed with "doing it right" (that's a big problem of mine).

As I go down this road (ha!), my goals are shifting farther and farther away from a desire to run to lose weight, but to do something I've never done before and to be something I've never been before and to enjoy something I've never enjoyed before. I've wanted to run a 5K for  so many years now and I'd love to make that a goal for the year and follow through with it. Of course, I've made this goal a few times before, even registered for a 5K, and never followed through, so I already feel a bit discouraged. But maybe I won't let that discouragement stop me.

Oh, little baby steps, one step at a time. I'm going to try to not look to far ahead, try to stay optimistic, but not overburden myself.

Beauty of my Body

I'm like almost any other woman out there - I have some serious qualms about my body. There are parts of it and moments in my day where I'm sort of just disgusted with it. I feel shame, sometimes, and I make lots and lots of comparisons. I pass judgements on other women, and I interpret their glances and whispers behind hands as judgements of me. I can sometimes value myself based on if I think other men think I'm attractive, if I think my husband is still being truthful when he says I'm beautiful. I can be incredibly insecure.

But there are also lots of moments where I feel good about my body. These moments tend to occur more often than the other, more negative ones. I've touched on this before, but maybe not so outright, and I'm going to be super upfront right now. I really like my body. I really do. I don't have a problem being naked, seeing myself naked, letting my husband see me naked. My stretch marks and fat and extra skin don't really bother me. Sure, there are moments where I would love to have a magic wand see it all go away, but by and large (Ha. No pun intended.) I enjoy my body. 

It's maybe because I've never been thin. I've always been chubby (and now just fat). It's not as though having children suddenly set me over the edge, so I'm not mourning some "perfect" body I had in my youth that children have now ruined. In fact, I got stretch marks before kids, too. That happened my freshman year of college. And when I wasn't so thin before I started to put on more and more weight (again, college), I really liked my body then, too. Again, I had insecurities, but for the most part I thought I my body was pretty great. 

The problem is now, as a person in her early twenties who's over-weight, I feel like I should be ashamed of my body, that there is something wrong with me for liking what I've got. I'm a smart person who does care about her health, so I shouldn't be satisfied with my figure. I should want better for myself. I should set a better example for my children. I should be healthier. I should be trying to improve things. 

I have a hard time distinguishing between my own thoughts and feelings and what the media says when it comes to all this, but I do know I want to be healthier, if only because I have a lot of shit to do and if I'm not given enough years to do it all in then I'll be pretty upset. But I've also noticed I'm a lot less concerned about how my body looks and what other people think when I spend time exposing myself to truly beautiful plus sized models and advocates on social media. When I see other women who look like me and are proud of themselves and their bodies it reaffirms that it is okay for me to like my body.

What's more, it becomes frustrating when other people don't see my body the way I see it. I'm not looking for universal popularity, but it would be nice to feel like it wasn't just me, my husband, and my toddler who thought I was beautiful. I'm not about to go on a diatribe about the judgement and shaming that goes into being over-weight or obese (or at least not yet), but it does exist and it hurts and can be a constant and consistently causes me to question my validity as a human being (like, literally, I question whether or not I'm worthy of purchasing lipstick or a certain kind of shirt strictly because I'm fat). 

It's a constant conflict, riding that line between loving myself, valuing myself, and battling overwhelming messages sent by society and the media. It's a battle I'm tired of fighting, to be quite honest. I'm really ready to stop caring about what others are thinking.