Running Away

I went for my first run today since...oh, probably spring time. For a while I was a reasonably solid runner, able to run continuously for 4 to 5 miles, but now I'm back on the Couch to 5K plan. There's actually a really cool app (I think it's the official app for the C25K plan) that I used today that I think I'll continue to use in the future. I like it so much more than just using my watch because I only have to listen for the cue from the app to switch from running to walking rather than messing with my watch's timer.

My hope, naturally, is that I'll continue to run. I have plans to run every day for the rest of this week, and I know I can fit in a run next Monday and possibly Tuesday as well. I do worry, though, as school starts back up and then when I'm taking courses again if I'll be able to make time. I have an extremely hard time justifying making the time to run when I have work, school work, or housework to do, and I really can't afford to let anything in these departments slip because they all sort of teeter on the edge of being done (especially housework, and I really can't even consider that something that ever really gets "done").

I did also buy a kettle bell with some Christmas money in hopes that I will do some workouts with that on days I can't run. I also want to do some small yoga/stretching workouts to gain back some flexibility as my joints have been very stiff lately. These are a bit easier to manage in terms of time because I can do them with the kiddos around or before or after work. But running is my favorite way to workout. It's easy, in the sense that you just go and can think about other things and be outside. I never imagined myself as a runner, but every time I do it I become a runner, no matter how slow I am or infrequent my runs are. I'd love to run more, to make it my "thing."

Before the week is out I probably sit down and take a good look at my schedule for next week (back to work!) and see if I can figure out which days I can run. I'm not sure how the consistency will be, but if I look at things from a week to week basis then I'll have better odds and not get so overwhelmed with "doing it right" (that's a big problem of mine).

As I go down this road (ha!), my goals are shifting farther and farther away from a desire to run to lose weight, but to do something I've never done before and to be something I've never been before and to enjoy something I've never enjoyed before. I've wanted to run a 5K for  so many years now and I'd love to make that a goal for the year and follow through with it. Of course, I've made this goal a few times before, even registered for a 5K, and never followed through, so I already feel a bit discouraged. But maybe I won't let that discouragement stop me.

Oh, little baby steps, one step at a time. I'm going to try to not look to far ahead, try to stay optimistic, but not overburden myself.

Beauty of my Body

I'm like almost any other woman out there - I have some serious qualms about my body. There are parts of it and moments in my day where I'm sort of just disgusted with it. I feel shame, sometimes, and I make lots and lots of comparisons. I pass judgements on other women, and I interpret their glances and whispers behind hands as judgements of me. I can sometimes value myself based on if I think other men think I'm attractive, if I think my husband is still being truthful when he says I'm beautiful. I can be incredibly insecure.

But there are also lots of moments where I feel good about my body. These moments tend to occur more often than the other, more negative ones. I've touched on this before, but maybe not so outright, and I'm going to be super upfront right now. I really like my body. I really do. I don't have a problem being naked, seeing myself naked, letting my husband see me naked. My stretch marks and fat and extra skin don't really bother me. Sure, there are moments where I would love to have a magic wand see it all go away, but by and large (Ha. No pun intended.) I enjoy my body. 

It's maybe because I've never been thin. I've always been chubby (and now just fat). It's not as though having children suddenly set me over the edge, so I'm not mourning some "perfect" body I had in my youth that children have now ruined. In fact, I got stretch marks before kids, too. That happened my freshman year of college. And when I wasn't so thin before I started to put on more and more weight (again, college), I really liked my body then, too. Again, I had insecurities, but for the most part I thought I my body was pretty great. 

The problem is now, as a person in her early twenties who's over-weight, I feel like I should be ashamed of my body, that there is something wrong with me for liking what I've got. I'm a smart person who does care about her health, so I shouldn't be satisfied with my figure. I should want better for myself. I should set a better example for my children. I should be healthier. I should be trying to improve things. 

I have a hard time distinguishing between my own thoughts and feelings and what the media says when it comes to all this, but I do know I want to be healthier, if only because I have a lot of shit to do and if I'm not given enough years to do it all in then I'll be pretty upset. But I've also noticed I'm a lot less concerned about how my body looks and what other people think when I spend time exposing myself to truly beautiful plus sized models and advocates on social media. When I see other women who look like me and are proud of themselves and their bodies it reaffirms that it is okay for me to like my body.

What's more, it becomes frustrating when other people don't see my body the way I see it. I'm not looking for universal popularity, but it would be nice to feel like it wasn't just me, my husband, and my toddler who thought I was beautiful. I'm not about to go on a diatribe about the judgement and shaming that goes into being over-weight or obese (or at least not yet), but it does exist and it hurts and can be a constant and consistently causes me to question my validity as a human being (like, literally, I question whether or not I'm worthy of purchasing lipstick or a certain kind of shirt strictly because I'm fat). 

It's a constant conflict, riding that line between loving myself, valuing myself, and battling overwhelming messages sent by society and the media. It's a battle I'm tired of fighting, to be quite honest. I'm really ready to stop caring about what others are thinking. 

Where I'm At

I have been thinking about this blog quite a bit in the last few days. I haven't written in nearly a year and a half, and I feel like that's too bad. Maybe if I had stayed with this I would have worked out my issues. But, then again, maybe not.

My issues with food still persist. I gained back all of the weight I had lost when I was last writing here. It's half pleasurable, half disheartening to see that black and white picture of myself in a purple dress that no longer fits as it should, but still hangs in my closet. I looked great, felt great, but got greedy, first for more weight to come off, and then for the comfort of eating, which I was denying myself.

The new year is coming, and with I always promise myself something, and I always break it. Always. I've even promised myself to not make a promise, and I've broken that promise, too. It's almost as if I can't trust myself any more, because of the constant betrayals. It's very difficult to be in this place where you want to do things differently, but you simply can't find a way to do it, no matter how many ways you try. It's like seeing a big ol' bag of money sitting in front of you, but it's just out of your reach and you can't move from where you're sitting.

This is exactly where I was at a year and a half ago, and it's where I find myself again, only it's worse now because I've lost any sort of traction I've gained (meaning I've gained back all the weight I lost). And I've stopped seeing Dona, which hasn't helped, but can't be helped, due to time constraints (I'm working full time plus taking two grad courses). And every time I try to make an effort, try to curb my eating, or eat mindfully, or even try to make the time to workout, it barely makes it more than a few days.

I can't say I'm determined to do better, to get back on the wagon, but I do want to start taking care of myself in this area again, and do it in earnest. However, I don't want to diet. I don't want to do stupid exercise videos. I don't want to use colorful tupperware containers to portion out all my food. I just want to live my freaking life and not worry about food so much. I just want to eat enough to live, enjoy the food I do have, and take the time to walk or go for a run or use kettle balls (these are the exercises I've found I do enjoy).

This is all I want, I just wish I knew how to get it.